You Jokes

Get up, you lazybones!

Have you ever walked past Steven Hawking's house?

No, neither has he.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You follow the Fresh prints.

What do you call a cow that's beating his meat? Beef stroganoff!

Stage 4 cancer is like a woman. You can’t beat it, but if you do, she’ll probably come back again.

SAY IT OR YOUR GOING TO HELL

A cat with a yellow Croc on its head, looking like a hat. Text on the image says, "You have been visited by the cat pope, don't scroll without say amen."

A man died and went to heaven. Every time you cheat, you get a worse car.

The first man cheated 5 times; he got a Jeep. The second man cheated 3 times; he got a BMW. The third man never cheated; he got a Lamborghini.

The second man saw the third man sad. He said, "Why are you sad?" The third man said, "I saw my wife with a scooter."

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."

The blonde then taped the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?

You tell them to clap until their parents come home.

What's the a simulation between a penis and a Rubik's cube?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

Why go across the street when you can just go down the hall, lol?

What do you call a Chinese man in the heat?

Boi Ling.

Q: What do you call it when four Mexicans drown in quicksand?

A: Cuatro Cinco.

How do you get 500 babies in a phone booth?

A blender.

How do you get them out?

A straw.

I am about to make a joke about cake. You butter believe it.

So, Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well, come with me out to my dad's car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car, she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"