You jokes
At baseball practice...
"Hey John, did you bring the bucket of balls?"
"No, but I got two right here."
So skinny you have to run around in the shower to get wet.
What do you say to an upset Down syndrome person? "What's bringing you down?"
I was going to make a rape joke, but I don’t think you would’ve given me consent.
What do you call a dead pine tree? A Nevergreen!
Were you born on a highway? Because most accidents happen on the highway.
Son: Dad, Dad, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG!!!!!!!
Dad: What's wrong? Are you OK?!
Son: Mia asked me out on a date on February 30th!
Dad: 'Cause there's no February 30th?
If you kill an orphan, would that count as a squad wipe?
Two Italian men get on a bus.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
I’m so annoyed by those people who just believe in anything they hear. This is a conversation I had a few days ago.
Idiot: "The moon landing was faked! So unbelievably fake!" Me: "You believe in the moon? Stupidass."
Me: Have you ever tried African food?
You: No.
Me: They haven't either.
Do you know how to make an orphan's hands bleed?
Tell them to clap until their parents come home.
The saddest painting you will see is a mirror.
One man's trash is another man's treasure.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
Three blonde sisters die and are told by an angel that in order for them to go to heaven they have to pass all 100 steps. But each step has a joke, each joke gets funnier and funnier. And in order to pass them all, you can't laugh at any joke or else you go to hell. The blonde girls accept the offer.
So the angel begins telling them the jokes. One of the girls laughs at the 3rd step. The second blonde laughs halfway there. Finally, the last blonde was at the 100th step. The angel said, "This is the last step. If you laugh you will go straight to hell with your sisters and if you don't you can pass." The blonde agrees and the angel starts to tell the joke, "What do you ca..." Out of nowhere the blonde starts bursting out laughing. "Why are you laughing? I haven't even finished the joke yet!" The blonde replies, "I just got the first joke!"
What do you call a fat girl with a rape alarm?
Optimistic.
I'm better than you in every single way... I even have an extra chromosome.
Roses are red, my blood is too. I see a lot when I lost you.
How do you help a constipated person?
You scare the shit out of them!
What is the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl?
You need to drop the bomb twice on her before she gets it.