You jokes

Guess what song this is from:

"I'll cut you into little bitty pieces,

Or freeze you till your blood runs cold,

Or stab your till' you heart stops pumping.

I'm here to realize your wish from what I'm told."

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

An Asian man goes to the eye doctor.

The doctor says, "It looks like you have a cataract."

The Asian guy says, "No Doc, I drive a Rincoln."

When the school shooter finds you and you think you’re gonna die, but he remembers the time you gave him a pen.

How do you fit a baby into a shoebox?

A blender.

How do you get them out?

Tortilla chips.

How do you get 4 gay guys on a bar stool? You turn it upside down.

How do you get them back off again? You jerk them off.

Me: *Meets girl, starts to form crush* Me after I get enough courage to talk to her: “Are you a casket lid because I want you on top of me?”

“What do you call my friend group?” “Suicide Squad.”

What do you call a cow 🐮 in an earthquake?

A milkshake.

Nurse: Don't worry, I'm great with babies. Parents: You are? Nurse: Yeah, I always abort them. Parent:... Parent: You're hired.

I was playing a tennis match against a girl and said, "I will fuck you up." She said, "Try me." So that's exactly what I did, and I won by forfeit as she ended up running away crying.

"What do you call a deer with no eyes?" -- "No-eye-deer."

What do you call a down syndrome person that was hit by a car?

Mash potato.

Brian has a crush on a cute girl, Sally, from school, so he goes and tells his dad about her, and he says, "Sorry, son, you can't like her; she is your sister." So Brian is okay with it, and he starts to like another girl, Madison, and he goes up to his dad and says, "I have a crush on this girl, Madison," and again the dad goes, "Oh, sorry, son, you can't like any girl in school; they are all your sisters." So he goes crying to his mom and says, "Dad said I can't like any girl because they are all my sisters," and the mom goes, "Oh, it's okay; you can like any girl you want because he is not your dad."

If your left nut was Thanksgiving and your right nut was Christmas, then you wouldn't have any balls because they're holidays.

What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant lady?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

A pedophile pulls up to little Jonny, lowers his window and asks, "hey little boy, if I give you a lolly, will you come in my car?" Little Jonny replies, "Give me the whole packet and I’ll come in your mouth."

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major.

You were sleeping, it didn't count - Chloe Foxwell 2021:)))))))

Obama, Trump, and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and is going down.

Obama: "This is terrible! We've got to do something -- save the women and children!"

Trump: "Screw the women and children!"

Clinton: "Do you think we have time...?"

What do you think would fall to the ground first, an emo kid or a leaf?

The leaf. The rope would stop the emo kid.