What do you call a cow 🐮 in an earthquake?
A milkshake.
You Jokes
An Asian man goes to the eye doctor.
The doctor says, "It looks like you have a cataract."
The Asian guy says, "No Doc, I drive a Rincoln."
Nurse: Don't worry, I'm great with babies. Parents: You are? Nurse: Yeah, I always abort them. Parent:... Parent: You're hired.
What do you call a midget with autism?
A weetard.
What do you call a lost Indian woman? Ms. Singh.
"What do you call a deer with no eyes?" -- "No-eye-deer."
Brian has a crush on a cute girl, Sally, from school, so he goes and tells his dad about her, and he says, "Sorry, son, you can't like her; she is your sister." So Brian is okay with it, and he starts to like another girl, Madison, and he goes up to his dad and says, "I have a crush on this girl, Madison," and again the dad goes, "Oh, sorry, son, you can't like any girl in school; they are all your sisters." So he goes crying to his mom and says, "Dad said I can't like any girl because they are all my sisters," and the mom goes, "Oh, it's okay; you can like any girl you want because he is not your dad."
If your left nut was Thanksgiving and your right nut was Christmas, then you wouldn't have any balls because they're holidays.
A pedophile pulls up to little Jonny, lowers his window and asks, "hey little boy, if I give you a lolly, will you come in my car?" Little Jonny replies, "Give me the whole packet and I’ll come in your mouth."
What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant lady?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said, "I know you wanna." Jack undressed, and she pulled up her dress so they could have some fun. But stupid Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.
Obama, Trump, and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and is going down.
Obama: "This is terrible! We've got to do something -- save the women and children!"
Trump: "Screw the women and children!"
Clinton: "Do you think we have time...?"
Where can you never take an orphan to dinner?
Family restaurants.
What do you think would fall to the ground first, an emo kid or a leaf?
The leaf. The rope would stop the emo kid.
My friend told me to "hang on" when I told him I wanted to kill myself.
Buddy, I’ll be hanging for sure, just you wait.
You were sleeping, it didn't count - Chloe Foxwell 2021:)))))))
When you’re playing dead and the school shooter starts unbuckling his belt and you hear him say, “This boy always had a fat ass.”
Bf: "Roses are red, violets are blue, you're my bf and I luv you."
Gf: "I luv u too."
Bf: "But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, I heard you were cheating, I'll knock off your head."
Gf: "Ah, about that..."
This is NOT my joke. I found it on Google. It's a texting joke.
Mom: Son, your grandma just passed away LOL.
Son: Mom, what do you mean LOL? That means laughing out loud.
Mom: Oh no, I thought that meant lots of love. I have to text everyone back!!!!
I said to Google, "How do I kill someone?" Then I got https://www.wired.com/story/dark-web-bitcoin-murder-cottage-grove in the front. Before you click it, it says, "If you want to kill someone, we are the right guys." How the f*** did this get in Google?
