Match Jokes

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

How do you turn a baby into a dog?

Douse it in gasoline, light a match, *WOOF*!

Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her, and told her never to play with matches again.

A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire, and the house burned down.

Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors', her mother told her: "If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home!"

Little Natalie just cackled with delight because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.

You know, eBay sucks. I was looking for a lighter, and it gave me 18,906 matches.

There was a recent football match between Ethiopia and Egypt.

Egypt 8, Ethiopia 0.

A man, presumably Tony Soprano, is standing in front of a grill with a lit cigar in his mouth and a box of matches in his hand. The text above the image says: "Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same."

Why are "Redneck" murder cases the HARDEST to solve?

Answer: Because ALL the DNA "Matches", and there are NO "Dental Records".

I googled "How to start a wildfire." I got 48,500 matches.

Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Once I went to watch a match in Portugal. It was between Penaldo and his kids. The referee was Georgiana (his wife). Mpaypal and Igayspeed were also there. The match began, and his kids scored two goals in the first 10 minutes. Then, when the match was about to end, Penaldo got angry and asked his wife for penalties. His wife declined, and he tortured and beat her up and took 10 penalties (missed 7 of them) but won 3-2. Shame on you, Penaldo! 😡😡😡

On September 11th, 2001, the New York Giants lost against the Jets.

Hey God, what are you making?

Just a wooden stick that lights on fire.

Sounds like a match made in heaven.

I was playing a tennis match against a girl and said, "I will fuck you up." She said, "Try me." So that's exactly what I did, and I won by forfeit as she ended up running away crying.

Why do orphans play a lot of tennis?

Cause that's the only way they get love.

I Googled "How to start a Wildfire." It gave me 28,452 matches.

I was playing football with my friends, and I got tackled and got a penalty. Suddenly, the ground started shaking, and Penaldo emerged from the mud. He took the penalty, but since it wasn't Andorra, he missed. Shame on you, Penaldo!

My friend threw a soccer ball at a disabled kid.

We all yelled "Rocket league!"

One day at school, Little Johnny and his friends were asked to do a sheet of paper which said, “Put a matching word from the word bank into the slot in the sentence that makes it make sense.” But when the teacher marked Little Johnny's papers, she asked why he put the word "bank" in every slot. And he says, “Well teacher, you said to put a word from the word bank and that's one word! So I had no choice but to put down that word!”