You jokes

When the school shooter finds you and you think you’re gonna die, but he remembers the time you gave him a pen.

How do you fit a baby into a shoebox?

A blender.

How do you get them out?

Tortilla chips.

What do you call a cow 🐮 in an earthquake?

A milkshake.

An Asian man goes to the eye doctor.

The doctor says, "It looks like you have a cataract."

The Asian guy says, "No Doc, I drive a Rincoln."

Nurse: Don't worry, I'm great with babies. Parents: You are? Nurse: Yeah, I always abort them. Parent:... Parent: You're hired.

I was playing a tennis match against a girl and said, "I will fuck you up." She said, "Try me." So that's exactly what I did, and I won by forfeit as she ended up running away crying.

"What do you call a deer with no eyes?" -- "No-eye-deer."

Brian has a crush on a cute girl, Sally, from school, so he goes and tells his dad about her, and he says, "Sorry, son, you can't like her; she is your sister." So Brian is okay with it, and he starts to like another girl, Madison, and he goes up to his dad and says, "I have a crush on this girl, Madison," and again the dad goes, "Oh, sorry, son, you can't like any girl in school; they are all your sisters." So he goes crying to his mom and says, "Dad said I can't like any girl because they are all my sisters," and the mom goes, "Oh, it's okay; you can like any girl you want because he is not your dad."

A boy and a girl are showering together. The girl looks down and says to the boy, "Hey, can I touch it?" The boy replies, "Oh hell nah. You already ripped yours off."

Jon said: What do you call a pregnant woman?

Mike said: I don’t know, what?

Jon said: Kinder surprise.

Why shouldn't you buy Russian underpants?

Because Chernobyl fallout.

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major.

If your left nut was Thanksgiving and your right nut was Christmas, then you wouldn't have any balls because they're holidays.

Where can you never take an orphan to dinner?

Family restaurants.

What do you think would fall to the ground first, an emo kid or a leaf?

The leaf. The rope would stop the emo kid.

Obama, Trump, and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and is going down.

Obama: "This is terrible! We've got to do something -- save the women and children!"

Trump: "Screw the women and children!"

Clinton: "Do you think we have time...?"

You were sleeping, it didn't count - Chloe Foxwell 2021:)))))))

A pedophile pulls up to little Jonny, lowers his window and asks, "hey little boy, if I give you a lolly, will you come in my car?" Little Jonny replies, "Give me the whole packet and I’ll come in your mouth."

What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant lady?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

My friend told me to "hang on" when I told him I wanted to kill myself.

Buddy, I’ll be hanging for sure, just you wait.