You jokes
What do you call an angry Texan?
A Confederate leader.
Hey God, what are you making?
Just a wooden stick that lights on fire.
Sounds like a match made in heaven.
A hot girl wants to commit suicide and jump from a bridge when an ugly, smelly, homeless weirdo walks up to her. And he says, "Hey you hot babe, let's fuck." She just answers, "Get the fuck away you ugly bastard." The guy just laughs and says, "Alright, I'll wait down there."
To be the perfect German, you need to be as thin as Göring, as tall as Goebbels, and as blonde as Hitler.
Like this if you are a single Pringle like me.
A kid asks his mom, "Mom, how much do you love me?" The mother responds with, "I love you as much as I love your brother." The kid looks confused and says, "But I don't have a brother." The mother smiles and says, "Well, I guess my love is not existing."
What do you call a plane with no wings? Sally.
God said, "Let there be light." Chuck Norris said, "You have to say please first."
When the school shooter finds you and you think you’re gonna die, but he remembers the time you gave him a pen.
Guess what song this is from:
"I'll cut you into little bitty pieces,
Or freeze you till your blood runs cold,
Or stab your till' you heart stops pumping.
I'm here to realize your wish from what I'm told."
Me: *Meets girl, starts to form crush* Me after I get enough courage to talk to her: “Are you a casket lid because I want you on top of me?”
“What do you call my friend group?” “Suicide Squad.”
How do you fit a baby into a shoebox?
A blender.
How do you get them out?
Tortilla chips.
What do you call a cow 🐮 in an earthquake?
A milkshake.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
An Asian man goes to the eye doctor.
The doctor says, "It looks like you have a cataract."
The Asian guy says, "No Doc, I drive a Rincoln."
Nurse: Don't worry, I'm great with babies. Parents: You are? Nurse: Yeah, I always abort them. Parent:... Parent: You're hired.
I was playing a tennis match against a girl and said, "I will fuck you up." She said, "Try me." So that's exactly what I did, and I won by forfeit as she ended up running away crying.
"What do you call a deer with no eyes?" -- "No-eye-deer."
Brian has a crush on a cute girl, Sally, from school, so he goes and tells his dad about her, and he says, "Sorry, son, you can't like her; she is your sister." So Brian is okay with it, and he starts to like another girl, Madison, and he goes up to his dad and says, "I have a crush on this girl, Madison," and again the dad goes, "Oh, sorry, son, you can't like any girl in school; they are all your sisters." So he goes crying to his mom and says, "Dad said I can't like any girl because they are all my sisters," and the mom goes, "Oh, it's okay; you can like any girl you want because he is not your dad."
A pedophile pulls up to little Jonny, lowers his window and asks, "hey little boy, if I give you a lolly, will you come in my car?" Little Jonny replies, "Give me the whole packet and I’ll come in your mouth."