You jokes
What did the rope say to my depressed ass?
~ Hey, you wanna hang?
If you're going to be a smart ass, you have to be smart, or you're just an ass.
F is for friends who don't talk to you.
U is for Ur alone.
N is for never having any plans at all, all you do is sit at home.
What do you call a Mexican under a carpet? Underlay, underlay.
Bf: "Roses are red, violets are blue, you're my bf and I luv you."
Gf: "I luv u too."
Bf: "But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, I heard you were cheating, I'll knock off your head."
Gf: "Ah, about that..."
Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.
A man wakes up from his operation, and the doctor says, "I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?"
The man says, "Bad," so the doctor says, "During the surgery, your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man."
The man says, "What’s the good then?" And the doctor says, "I’m picking her up at 7."
What do you call a black man on the moon?
An astronaut, you fucking racist.
Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?
Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.
What do you call an Irish lesbian? A gay lick.
There was this girl on the street that had no arms and no legs. She looked at me and said, “Hey sir, I’ve never been fucked before, will you fuck me?” So I threw her in the ocean and said, “Well, you’re fucked now.”
Kid: Mum, how do you know someone is drunk?
Mum: See the four birds over there?
Kid: Huh, wait a minute.
Mum: A drunk person would see eight.
Kid: Mum, but there is only two.
What do you call an Australian visiting the UK on holiday?
Returning to the scene of the crime.
Roses are red, violets are blue, you have a big forehead, and your hairline recedes too.
Me: I look up to you.
Friend: Wow, thanks!
Me: But in general cuz your so tall.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Are you kidding? Feminists can’t change anything.
What do you call a nosy pepper?
Jalapeno.
Did you hear the joke about the butter?
What is it?
I can’t tell you, you’ll spread it.
Q: Do you know why transgender people are good at being carpenters?
A: Because they have more experience cutting off their wood.
Be careful what you say around Indians, the red dot means they're recording.