You jokes
So I didn't want my mom going through my laptop, so I put a touch screen on it where you just have to tap the screen to unlock it. Jokes on her, she doesn't have any fingers.
Bf: "Roses are red, violets are blue, you're my bf and I luv you."
Gf: "I luv u too."
Bf: "But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, I heard you were cheating, I'll knock off your head."
Gf: "Ah, about that..."
F is for friends who don't talk to you.
U is for Ur alone.
N is for never having any plans at all, all you do is sit at home.
There was always that one specific person you thought ruined your life, but it turns out your life has always been ruined by you being in it.
What did the rope say to my depressed ass?
~ Hey, you wanna hang?
Q: How do you know a wishing well works?
A: If your mother-in-law falls down it.
What do you call an hourglass with no sand in it?
A waist of time.
A boy and a girl are showering together. The girl looks down and says to the boy, "Hey, can I touch it?" The boy replies, "Oh hell nah. You already ripped yours off."
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with 3 legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
Your mom.
Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.
A man wakes up from his operation, and the doctor says, "I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?"
The man says, "Bad," so the doctor says, "During the surgery, your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man."
The man says, "What’s the good then?" And the doctor says, "I’m picking her up at 7."
What do you call a black man on the moon?
An astronaut, you fucking racist.
Be careful what you say around Indians, the red dot means they're recording.
BTW, I am one, wahahaa!
What do you call an LGBTQ person getting grilled? LGBBQ.
I made it, DON'T COPY!!!
Kid: Mum, how do you know someone is drunk?
Mum: See the four birds over there?
Kid: Huh, wait a minute.
Mum: A drunk person would see eight.
Kid: Mum, but there is only two.
What do you call an Australian visiting the UK on holiday?
Returning to the scene of the crime.
There was this girl on the street that had no arms and no legs. She looked at me and said, “Hey sir, I’ve never been fucked before, will you fuck me?” So I threw her in the ocean and said, “Well, you’re fucked now.”
Q: Do you know why transgender people are good at being carpenters?
A: Because they have more experience cutting off their wood.
Do you think midgets start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"?
Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?
Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.