You jokes

So I didn't want my mom going through my laptop, so I put a touch screen on it where you just have to tap the screen to unlock it. Jokes on her, she doesn't have any fingers.

What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?

A meltdown.

What do you call an avocado that got shot? Glockamole.

What do you call an hourglass with no sand in it?

A waist of time.

F is for friends who don't talk to you.

U is for Ur alone.

N is for never having any plans at all, all you do is sit at home.

If you're going to be a smart ass, you have to be smart, or you're just an ass.

What do you call a Mexican under a carpet? Underlay, underlay.

Bf: "Roses are red, violets are blue, you're my bf and I luv you."

Gf: "I luv u too."

Bf: "But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, I heard you were cheating, I'll knock off your head."

Gf: "Ah, about that..."

What did the rope say to my depressed ass?

~ Hey, you wanna hang?

What do you call an Afghan in the bath? A bath bomb.

There was always that one specific person you thought ruined your life, but it turns out your life has always been ruined by you being in it.

Roses are red, violets are blue, you have a big forehead, and your hairline recedes too.

Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

What do you call an Irish lesbian? A gay lick.

Did you hear about the guy who got fired for having sex with his clients?

He was a great veterinarian.

Fortnite is just like high school. You get off the bus and start shooting everybody.

What's the best response to a girl saying, 'What's up?'

'If I tell you, will you sit on it?'

You should know how important it is to wash your sex toys.

That's why priests invented baptism.

Something you can say at a job interview and during sex:

"I’m here for the new position?"

When you ask the cashiers for the specials menu, and they bring out the autistic kid, blind kid, and Down syndrome kid.