You jokes

So I didn't want my mom going through my laptop, so I put a touch screen on it where you just have to tap the screen to unlock it. Jokes on her, she doesn't have any fingers.

F is for friends who don't talk to you.

U is for Ur alone.

N is for never having any plans at all, all you do is sit at home.

What do you call a Mexican under a carpet? Underlay, underlay.

Bf: "Roses are red, violets are blue, you're my bf and I luv you."

Gf: "I luv u too."

Bf: "But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, I heard you were cheating, I'll knock off your head."

Gf: "Ah, about that..."

What do you call an Afghan in the bath? A bath bomb.

There was always that one specific person you thought ruined your life, but it turns out your life has always been ruined by you being in it.

What did the rope say to my depressed ass?

~ Hey, you wanna hang?

Did you hear about the light bulb party? Yeah, it was pretty lit!

Dad: "Son, does mommy like having lady-friends over?"

Son: "Nah, mostly men."

Dad: "Do you think you'd be comfortable telling that to a judge in court?"

Q: How do you know a wishing well works?

A: If your mother-in-law falls down it.

What does a penis and a Rubik's cube have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.

A man wakes up from his operation, and the doctor says, "I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?"

The man says, "Bad," so the doctor says, "During the surgery, your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man."

The man says, "What’s the good then?" And the doctor says, "I’m picking her up at 7."

Did you hear about the guy who got fired for having sex with his clients?

He was a great veterinarian.

What do you call an Irish lesbian? A gay lick.

What do you call a black man on the moon?

An astronaut, you fucking racist.

Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

Be careful what you say around Indians, the red dot means they're recording.

Be careful what you say around Indians, the red dot means they're recording.

BTW, I am one, wahahaa!

What do you call an LGBTQ person getting grilled? LGBBQ.

I made it, DON'T COPY!!!