You jokes
If you ever think no one cares about you,
kill someone, then the news will.
Why can't you make jokes about catholic priests?
Because they blow up in your face.
Don’t you hate it when you are driving in a school zone and the speed bump starts screaming?
How do you make the world’s greatest Harlem Shake?
Throw a flashbang into a room full of epileptics.
My father always used to say:
"What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger."
Until the accident.
Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?
Neither have they.
Say what you will about pedophiles. At least they drive slowly through school zones.
What’s the first thing you should do if an epileptic is having a seizure in the bathtub?
Throw in your dirty laundry!
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said:
"F*ck off! You won’t bring it back."
Why shouldn’t you call people in China?
Because there are so many Wings and Wongs you might "wing" the wrong number.
Are you made of Gold, Titanium, Sulfur, Titanium, and Carbon?
Cause damn, you lookin' kinda Au Ti S Ti C!
A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing bet of one thousand dollars that their bartender could squeeze a lemon dry until all the juice ran into a glass, and anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried but failed. Over time, weight lifters, lumberjacks, men in the Army, and etc. But still, nobody could do it.
One day, a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "okay," and he grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rhine to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the one thousand dollars and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?" The man simply replied, "I work for the IRS."
A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."
The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"
How are Kentucky Fried Chicken and a woman the same?
Once you take away the legs and the breasts, you’re left with one greasy box to put your bone in.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up like an altar boy.
My mom was cooking dinner and asked me if I could get her a cutting board.
"No, I need you to take off your shirt and lay on the island so I can cut some chicken."
Not a joke but there's nowhere else to post this, (mainly this post is for the broke people without a gym). Did you know that the body can't tell if you're using weights? So lifting weights are optional.
Some beginner workouts without weights for like really weak people:
1. Sit-ups 10 reps 2. Push-ups 20 per reps 3. Squats 10 per reps 4. Crunches 10 per reps
If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
It's sad when you sit around waiting for mom to make dinner, and then you realize you are the mom.
Being a mom to a teenager will make you understand why some animals eat their young.