You jokes
Motherhood is a fairytale in reverse. You start in a beautiful gown and end up cleaning everyone's messes.
When your teenager asks for personal space and you remind her that she came out of your personal space.
Guys, you need to ketchup with the time.
What do you call an 18-year-old orphan?
Homeless.
Wife: I will leave you if you call me fat again.
Husband: Wait, dear... Don’t do it for the sake of our kid!
Wife: Kid?
Husband: Yeah, aren’t you pregnant?
You know the stupid trend where people say it’s ok to be overly obese? Healthy even? That you should take pride in it? Which idiots started that movement?
Well. We know one thing for sure. They were obviously members of a wider community.
How do you disappoint people in Africa?
Send a message saying that you’re going to send trucks full of food, water, and clothing.
But don’t follow through and send the trucks empty.
What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.
What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.
What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.
Did you hear about the woman who couldn't stop collecting magazines? She had issues.
Did you hear about the broken guitar for sale?
It comes with no strings attached.
Did you hear about the bossy man at the bar? He ordered everyone around.
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.
How can you tell when a comic passes gas? Something smells funny.
What should you do to prevent dry skin? Use a towel.
What do you give the dentist of the year? A little plaque.
How do you cook an alligator? With a croc-pot.
What did one volcano say to the other? I lava you.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a lemon? Now it's a sourpuss.