I went to the doctor's yesterday. I said, "When I touch my back, it hurts. When I touch my knee, it hurts. When I touch anything, it hurts!" 😣 What’s wrong with me?
Doctor: You’ve broken your finger.
Why can't you fool an aborted fetus?
Because it wasn't born yesterday.
Yesterday, a 5-year-old dyslexic boy almost saved his mother from drowning, but he kept dialing 119...
Yesterday, I saw an advert with a random woman dancing, and someone said that they were beautiful.
And then I said, "Except the fat people." And then I got sent to my room for saying that.
I told my friend an egg joke yesterday.
He thought it was eggcellent.
Yesterday I made food using oil--olive oil.
(I love oil!)
How bad is explosive diarrhea when a Muslim has it? Because my Chipotle blew up yesterday.
Two female mice met and one spoke:
"Yesterday I met a mouse. He was black, and he had wings, and he had some cool, sharp teeth. He said he only ate at night."
Other mouse: "Umm... that's a bat."
"That asshole! He told me that he is a pilot!"
Me: I bombed the 2 tests yesterday.
Friend: What were the tests about?
Me: Japan.
I was just informed that my ex was stabbed yesterday. Let's just say I quit my job as a butcher.
I had to take my pet octopus to the vet yesterday.
Oh, don’t worry, he’s okay now.
But the vet charged me six quid.
I had to take my pet octopus to the vet yesterday.
Oh, don't worry, he's okay now.
But the vet charged me six quid.
"I was lost in the woods yesterday."
"I was in some sticky situation..."
I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.
He didn't show up for the rest of the year.
I was born yesterday, and I walked down memory lane. I fell over the edge!
The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work... He’s a suicide bomber.
Kid: Dad, I want Santa to give me an iPhone.
Indian poor dad: Son, Santa is deaf.
Kid: No, he is not. I saw him on TV yesterday.
Indian poor dad: Oh, actually, I asked him for a new wife. Maybe he is wearing AirPods.
Kid: You are my Santa, daddy.
Indian poor dad: Pull down your pants, son.
Kid: It's not an Apple product.
Indian poor dad: It's a banana.
One day there were these 3 cowboys sitting next to a fire and they were telling each other about their adventures. Well, the first cowboy said, "I tangled with a bull that killed 6 people, so I wrestled that son of a bitch to the ground with my bare hands."
The second cowboy said, "That's nothing. Yesterday I was walking on a trail and came across a rattler, so I picked it up, bit its head off, and drank all his venom in one gulp."
The third cowboy remained quiet, stirring the embers of the fire with his penis.
Watched a really cool cartoon about rabbits with Down syndrome yesterday. You should try watching it on catch up... "Watership Down."
I went to the National Redhead Meeting yesterday.
Not a soul in sight.
