Yesterday jokes

Someone butt-dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to talk to me.

I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday. I asked her why. She said, "Because you're a pedophile." I replied, "Pedophile! That's a big word for an eight year old."

Me and my cousin went to a restaurant yesterday.

I ordered my chicken fried, he ordered his chicken alive.

Yesterday in my dream I ate a ten pound marshmallow, when I woke up, my pillow was gone.

"I wasn't that drunk yesterday."

"Oh boy, you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that, as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month.

Today I saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".

I bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed a politician in the jungle yesterday?

I hear it hurt like hell.

I fell down yesterday.

What did I eat for breakfast yesterday?

10 year olds.

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

"Son, I found a condom in your room."

"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"

"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"

"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."