Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
Elmo in 2022 is called "Tickle My Balls Elmo."
Things I would’ve missed if my suicide attempt didn’t fail in 2020.
My attempt in 2021.
And my attempt this year.
Why does Michael Jackson like 44-year-olds? There's 4 of them.
Why is Santa's sack always full?
Because he only comes once a year.
What does a 90 year old's pussy taste like?
Depends...
I was walking down the street when I saw my ex-girlfriend, so I fucked her. Turns out it was her identical twins that she never told me about.
And I decided to confront her. So I did the next time I saw her, but this time it was her identical triplet. There are 3 of them...
AND SHE NEVER BROUGHT THAT UP IN THE 7 YEARS I WAS DATING HER!
A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.
The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”
“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“What, years? Months?!”
“Nine...”
When Little Johnny was about 3, he got curious and stuck his hand up a mannequin's pants. His mom says, "No, Little Johnny, there are teeth up there that will bite off your hand." Little Johnny thinks, "Oh no, I can't do that again."
A few years later, he was 15 and he had a girlfriend, and they were making out. She says, "Why don't you ever stick your hand up my pants?" He says, "Oh no, my mom says there are teeth that will bite off my hand up there." She says, "No, there isn't, just look!" Little Johnny looks and says, "Well, no wonder there ain't no teeth. By the way, them gums look..."
How are guys and tile floors alike?
If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for years.
"{[(Log date) 11 22 3] The Beginning} "This marks the first ever log of the Underground Fruit Association of n&c (ugfa). N, being code name for Nathaniel, and C, being code name for Connor. Our plan is to collect as many fruit cups as possible by the end of the year. This site will be a communication hub only and used for nothing else. We will plan and discuss courses of action, and collection." End of log"
The black nurse tells me she has been a vegan for 29 years. The father sitting next to me asks, "So you don't miss fried chicken?"
You heard that Michael Jackson autopsy reports showed he died of food poisoning?
It’s because he ate some 8 year old nuts.
What will you call Burj Khalifa after 100 years?
"Bujurg" Khalifa. (Just a joke)
A 28-year-old medical student is auctioning off her virginity online.
For $300K, you can have the worst sex of your life.
Why did Michael Jackson decide to sell the ranch?
Because it was over 10 years old.
I can't believe I got fired at the calendar factory. I mean... all I did was take a day off!
A news headline read: "A toddler has shot a person every week in the US for two years straight."
He was in the infantry.
Did you hear they think Michael Jackson died from food poisoning? He ate 12-year-old nuts and a 13-year-old wiener.
Aboriginals around for 50,000 years invented the spear.
