I am Thor.
And next year, I will be five.
How many victims does Shaw have?
We don’t know yet. It’s four years and counting.
Boss: Why are you so bad at driving trains? How many have you derailed this year?
Me: Sorry, boss, it’s hard to keep track.
There was a fire at my high school when I was in Year 7.
When the local newspaper interviewed my teacher, they asked her how she was seeing the "bright side" of it.
She said, "Well, at least our new students got a warm welcome!"
54 students died that day.
One day I asked my mom where kids came from. She said the man who went to the milk store.
Five years later, he came back and left again.
I found Jeffrey Epstein’s diary the other day.
The last entry was about 12 years old.
What is the shortest month of the year?
May, it only has 3 letters!
Last year, I gave my brother a BB gun for his birthday. He gave me a T-shirt with a bullseye on it.
I asked him what the bullseye was for. He said, "Target practice."
I just prevented an 11-year-old from getting assaulted.
I decided to go home.
I just prevented a 10-year-old from getting assaulted.
Nothing much, I just decided to go home.
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?
Because they had a fight, and 2021.
At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”
What’s the difference between a crossdresser and a trans person?
About 3 years.
What is the best thing about an 18-year-old girl in the shower?
Slick her hair, she looks 15.
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.
What's an emo's favorite time of year?
Fall.
Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”
When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get one year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get seven years of bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)
Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
