"Ring Ring! Hi, I've been needing to call you. Your hairline has been found by Dora after 25 years!"
"Your mother has been with us for 20 years," said John. "Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?"
"My mother?" replied Helen. "I thought she was your mother."
I masturbated by accident. I read the wrong thing And tested its factuality.
Well, it's been some good years now, haven't they? Being your own partner has never felt so together.
For my birthday on September 11th this year, I just want a plane, but delicious, chocolate cake.
Magician: "I am the greatest magician in the whole world. Look, now you see the rabbit in the hat, and now it is gone!"
Redneck girl: "That's nothing. My dad is the greatest magician! He disappears for a whole year and reappears at Christmas for a couple of hours!"
All terrorists like starting a new year off with a bang.
"Officer, don’t arrest me, she said she was 5 in dog years!"
At one point in your life, you were exactly pi years old.
I came across a pic of the oldest man on earth on IG. He was 132 years old.
I commented "age is just a number" for him; now I'm banned.
My friend said that gay people existed 10 years ago.
He can tell the future.
What is the shortest month of the year?
May, it only has 3 letters!
BlessedBrian must have been born on April Fools’ Day... because he’s a joke every day of the year.
What's an emo's favorite time of year?
Fall.
Last year, I gave my brother a BB gun for his birthday. He gave me a T-shirt with a bullseye on it.
I asked him what the bullseye was for. He said, "Target practice."
I found Jeffrey Epstein’s diary the other day.
The last entry was about 12 years old.
I just prevented an 11-year-old from getting assaulted.
I decided to go home.
Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”
When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.
What is the best thing about an 18-year-old girl in the shower?
Slick her hair, she looks 15.
Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
