Wood jokes
If your hot dog tastes like a piece of wood, who are you going to call?
"Ghost Musterd."
Think about how many more girls we guys could get if we talked to them how we talk to other guys, like when they say, "Can I borrow a pencil?" You say, "You can borrow this hard wood dick."
People are like trees...
They fall down when you hit them multiple times with an axe.
What do you call a woodpecker with no beak? A headbanger.
What's a woodpecker's favorite kind of jokes?
Knock knock ones.
Let's play carpenter. First, we'll get hammered, then I'll nail you.
A termite walks into the bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!'
I thought, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'
A child and a child molester walk into a forest together. The child turns to the molester and says, "Boy, these woods are scary." The molester says to the child, "You think you're scared? I have to walk out of here alone."
Why did the cowboy put his bunk in the fireplace?
'Cause he wanted to sleep like a log!
What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
Thumb nails.
What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.
What do renovators and lesbians have in common?
They're both not interested in exposed wood, apparently.
The very young and pretty nun was walking home from the soup kitchen when a homeless man dragged her into the woods and had his way with her.
When he was done, he asked her what she would tell the Mother Superior when she got back to the convent. She calmly said that she would tell her the truth.
She said: "I will tell her that I was on my way home when the most disgusting, repulsive, and abhorrent man dragged me into the woods and had his way with me... twice; that is if you are not too tired."
A lumberjack goes to a person's house.
Then he realized the tree was too big and was stumped and had to leaf.
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?
Does money grow on trees? No.
What is money made of? Paper.
What is paper made out of? Trees!
What's the difference between a hippie chick and a can of Spam?
After 6 months in the woods, you'll still eat the can of Spam.
“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.”
A man and a boy were walking through a dark forest. The boy said, “I’m scared.” The man said, “Why are you scared? I’m the one who’s going to leave these woods alone.”