Wood jokes

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

Lemme tell you a little story.

It’s night. You’re in your room, trying to sleep. But you keep hearing it—scratching. Soft at first. Like fingernails on wood. You tell yourself it’s rats, or the house settling. But it keeps going. Slow... then faster.

So finally, you get outta bed. You get on your hands and knees, put your ear to the floor. And you hear it. A voice. Whispers. Crying.

Your heart’s pounding. You grab a crowbar. You pry up the floorboards. One by one. Your sweat’s dripping into the dust. The noise gets louder.

And finally... you peel back the last plank.

And you see these eyes. Wide and terrified. And a pale little face staring up at you.

BOOOOOOO!!!!

It’s Anne Frank.

A termite walks into the bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

What do renovators and lesbians have in common?

They're both not interested in exposed wood, apparently.

If your hot dog tastes like a piece of wood, who are you going to call?

"Ghost Musterd."

What does a stick say when it falls down? "Wood you help me up?"

What's the difference between a hippie chick and a can of Spam?

After 6 months in the woods, you'll still eat the can of Spam.

Think about how many more girls we guys could get if we talked to them how we talk to other guys, like when they say, "Can I borrow a pencil?" You say, "You can borrow this hard wood dick."

What's a woodpecker's favorite kind of jokes?

Knock knock ones.

A termite walks into a bar and says, "So, is the bartender here?"

A lumberjack goes to a person's house.

Then he realized the tree was too big and was stumped and had to leaf.

James Woods, starring in the newest movie: "September 11, two thousand fun."

People are like trees...

They fall down when you hit them multiple times with an axe.

I despise lumberjacks. They are always barking up the wrong tree, all bark and no bite.

They just need to leaf people alone or stick with something nicer.

What's the difference between a man and a table?

The table doesn't cry when I break its legs.

What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.

Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter? He was shredding the floor...

The cold winter night, there was a cabin in the woods. The cabin housed 3 men. The men were gay but they did not know.

Fili: "Fili." Kili: "And Kili." Fili and Kili: "At your service." Kili: "You must be Mr. Baggins." Bilbo: "No! You can’t come in, you’ve come to the wrong house." Kili: "What?! Has it been canceled?" Fili: "No one told us." Bilbo: "Can...! No, nothing’s been canceled." Kili: "That’s a relief." Fili: "Careful with these, I just had them sharpened." Kili: "It’s nice, this place. Did you do it yourself?" Bilbo: "Uh...no, it’s been in the family for years. That’s my mother’s glory box, can you please not do that?" Dwalin: "Fili, Ki­li, come on, give us a hand." Kili: "Mr. Dwalin." Balin: "Let’s shove this in the hole, or otherwise we’ll never get everyone in." Bilbo: "Ev...everyone?! How many more are there? Oh, no! No, no. There’s nobody home! Go away, and bother somebody else! There’s far too many dwarves in my dining room as it is. If...if this is some blockhead’s idea of a joke, I can only say, it is in very poor taste!" One of the Dwarves: "Get off, you big lump!"

Then the men only had one seat they had in the cabin. It was a bar seat. they were able to flip it upside down and fit all of them on it.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? -- A stick.