Wood jokes
So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!'
I thought, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'
How do trees get online? -- They just log in.
The very young and pretty nun was walking home from the soup kitchen when a homeless man dragged her into the woods and had his way with her.
When he was done, he asked her what she would tell the Mother Superior when she got back to the convent. She calmly said that she would tell her the truth.
She said: "I will tell her that I was on my way home when the most disgusting, repulsive, and abhorrent man dragged me into the woods and had his way with me... twice; that is if you are not too tired."
Pinocchio goes to the doctor for a checkup. When he gets there, the doctor asks him, "Do you have cancer?" Pinocchio replies, "That was very straight up, but no, I’m pretty sure I don’t have cancer." After saying this, his nose grew.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bartender here?"
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, it is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.”
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?
Does money grow on trees? No.
What is money made of? Paper.
What is paper made out of? Trees!
The next woman who says she'd rather be alone in the woods with a bear, I'm throwing her in a pit with a bear and making her fight it with a wooden sword while drinking and singing "The Bear and the Maiden Fair."
Hey God, what are you making?
Just a wooden stick that lights on fire.
Sounds like a match made in heaven.
A man and a boy were walking through a dark forest. The boy said, “I’m scared.” The man said, “Why are you scared? I’m the one who’s going to leave these woods alone.”
Why did the orphan go to the woods? To take a *what*?
“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.”
What’s your favorite type of wood? Mine is Bollywood.
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Hey, is the bartender here?"
Sand under docks is very resilient. It doesn’t give in to pier pressure.
What’s made of wood and is zig zag shaped?
Stephen Hawking's coffin.
What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana?
Tiger Woods had a good driver.
I rolled over a log and underneath was a tiny little stick, and I was like, "That log had a child!"
Tiger Woods is a lion cheetah. He took a wife and seventeen mistresses because he just had to play all eighteen holes.