Wood jokes
What's the difference between the woods and a hooker?
Some hookers have passions for nature. Other hookers will Kill ThEIR Tricks for payback!!!!!!
She's so fat that when she steps onto a wood floor, the floorboard doesn't creak, it screams: "Goddamn!!!" before it snaps from the weight.
Wood-fired pizza.
How would pizza get a job now?
Driving through the woods today, I saw a boy with a bare behind.
How did the carpenter do on his interview? He nailed it!
What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by a few inches and you’re in deep shit.
A lion would never drive while drunk.
But a tiger wood.
Hey, did you know Paul Walker's gay?
Why do you say that?
Because he likes to wrap himself around long, old wood.
A dad and his son walk out to the middle of the woods armed only with a shovel and a lantern.
Son: "Dad, it's creepy out here!"
Dad: "You're complaining? I'm the one that has to leave the woods alone!"
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have any problems with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says, "No." So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
You are walking through the woods when you cross a woman who has been raped and beheaded. What is the first thing you do?
Check your map, you’re obviously going in circles.
What’s an emo kid's favorite wood working tool? A chop saw!
The doe comes out of the woods, shakes herself, and says,
"I can't believe I did that for 2 bucks!"
It's not surprising there isn't a whole lot of good tree jokes.
Most foresters have a wooden personality.
I'll kill a bitch like the policeman did to that white woman. He chopped her up and put her in the woods, the suck fuck.
What did Snow White say when she sat on Pinocchio? "Lie to me."
Therapy - Expensive - Years of hard work - Emotionally draining - Tough to find
Screaming in the woods - Free - Immediate relief - Scares hunters enough to leave, therefore saving innocent animals - Potential to make friends with people who are also screaming in the woods.
You know why Elmer Fudd always came out hunting rabbits in the woods? Because Bugs Bunny would not stop flirting with his girlfriend.
Two hunters are in the woods and one falls to the ground.
Terrified, he dials 911 and says, “Help! I think my friend is dying. What do I do?” The nurse says, “I need you to make sure he’s dead.” The hunter replies, “Ok, I’ll be right back.” The nurse is startled after hearing a gunshot. The hunter comes back and says, “I checked. Now what do I do?” The nurse replies, “I need you to make sure his heart has completely stopped.” She is startled when she hears the sound of a taser. The hunter comes back and says, “What’s next?” The nurse replies, “I need you to make sure his brain has completely shut down.” The nurse is once again startled when she hears the sound of a bone being crushed by what seemed to be a hammer. The hunter comes back and asks, “Anything else?” The nurse says, “Nope. That’s it.”
If you spin a fidget spinner, You'll end up spinning it too fast. When you end up spinning it too fast, it will make you fly away. When you fly away, you'll end up in a tree. When you end up in a tree, you'll see that your friends are hanging out without you. When you see that your friends are hanging out without you, you'll run away in the woods because you're sad. When you ran away in the woods, you'll see a bear. When you see a bear, it will chase you. When the bear chases you, you'll build a fort to protect yourself. When you build a fort to protect yourself, you then notice you're lonely. You'll become friends with the bear. When you become friends with a bear, you'll start to act like a bear. When you start to act like a bear, you will become a bear.
DO NOT BECOME A BEAR! NEVER PLAY WITH A FIDGET SPINNER!