Wood jokes
What does a necrophiliac get at a wedding?
Mourning wood.
Q: Do you know why transgender people are good at being carpenters?
A: Because they have more experience cutting off their wood.
Hey God, what are you making?
Just a wooden stick that lights on fire.
Sounds like a match made in heaven.
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?
Me: I found a group of furries in the woods.
Voice in back: Well, it looks like we're going huntin'.
What's the difference between a man and a table?
The table doesn't cry when I break its legs.
I came across a dead body in the woods. I liked it so much I came again.
Let's play carpenter. First, we'll get hammered, then I'll nail you.
What is an orphan's family tree?
A stump.
What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana?
Tiger Woods had a good driver.
Can I branch out to some tree puns? Willow you allow me it’s only fur. No? Oakome on!
What do you call a depressed tree?
A wood cutter.
I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle. So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle. So I bought an iron whistle. But ironically it steel wooden lead me whistle.
A termite walks into a bar and says, "So, is the bartender here?"
What's flat chested and emo? A cutting board.
James Woods, starring in the newest movie: "September 11, two thousand fun."
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter? He was shredding the floor...
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, it is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.”
So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!'
I thought, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'
Pinocchio goes to the doctor for a checkup. When he gets there, the doctor asks him, "Do you have cancer?" Pinocchio replies, "That was very straight up, but no, I’m pretty sure I don’t have cancer." After saying this, his nose grew.