Woman jokes
I never touched kids, just women, but since I was famous, they were fine with it.
The next woman who says she'd rather be alone in the woods with a bear, I'm throwing her in a pit with a bear and making her fight it with a wooden sword while drinking and singing "The Bear and the Maiden Fair."
Three women were in heaven. The angel at the gates said, "How good the ride into heaven is for you, is determined by your commitment to your most recent partner."
The first lady says, "2 years, 2 side-hoes." She got an old lexus.
The second lady says, "10 years, 1 visit from a prostitute." She got a Mercedes-Benz.
The third lady says, "I never had a husband."
The angel says in response, "F*ck me and then you can have a lambo."
They all arrive in heaven, to see the second lady crying.
The first lady says, "I know we are dead, but it could be a lot worse."
"How!?" The third lady cries, "The angel has a flute for a d*ck!"
There are sexiest women in politics.
They should be in a car showroom.
Apparently there was a woman from Australia who had sex with 500 men in one day.
That's like a real life "Your mom" joke.
Did you hear about the woman who couldn't stop collecting magazines? She had issues.
What is 6 inches tall when bricked up and is loved by women?
A strong man’s biceps.
Why is Ireland so gay?
Because the Brits stole all their women.
Why do women fart when they pee? To blow dry.
My sister asked me what is dark humor. I asked what does a cannibal call a pregnant woman? "Kinder Surprise!"
Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "Your hair color is fabulous." Woman: "Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store."
Man: "You look like a dream." Woman: "Go back to sleep."
Man: "I can tell that you want me." Woman: "Yes, I want you to leave."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not enter. -OR- Stop."
Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?" Woman: "I hate you."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
What’s another name for cumming in a woman?
Loading the dishwasher.
History is mostly just a list of things men did while women were busy making sure they didn't die of scurvy.
What’s strong enough for a man, but made for a woman?
The back of my hand.
The difference between women and beer is that beer makes you happy for nothing, why women make you angry for nothing.
Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
One day a Chief was talking to his son... "Son," the father said, "Long ago the Woman didn't have anybody to take her to BINGO. So, the Creator put the Woman to sleep and cut off her butt cheeks and made her a Man. That's why today Indian Women have no butt, and the Men are called Buttheads!"
Would you rather get a massage from a man or get major surgery from a woman?
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you've told her twice.
What is a disabled man called?
"Woman." Haha.