Woman Jokes

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A: A battery has a positive side.

Q: What's the difference between a knife and a woman arguing?

A: A knife has a point.

Why do more women than men oppose abortion? Because they prefer not to get raped.

Why do more men than women support abortion? So they can keep raping women and the victims will just abort their kids to not have to relive the experience!

A married woman asked her husband if he saw the future. The husband answered her, "I have no eye, dear."

What is a woman doing with an empty sheet?

Reading her rights!

If you buy two condoms, but you're banging a woman, it's fine, don't throw it away, just make her transgender.

I dunno man, worked for me.

A blind woman told me I had a big penis yesterday.

I think she was pulling my leg.

"I work with animals," a man said on his Tinder date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who works with animals. Where do you work?" "At the butcher shop!"

A plane is about to crash into the ocean, and the passengers are freaking out.

A woman stands up, takes off her clothes, and says, "Before I go, is there a man man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, takes off his shirt, and says, "Here, iron this!"

Once, there was a woman who had a husband and a dog. The husband dies.

The dog would always sleep under the bed, and when the woman would go to sleep, she'd put her hand down, and the dog would lick it to say she/he was alright. One night, it was thunderstorming. She put her hand down and the dog licked normally. She heard the dog whimper, so she put her hand down like normal, as the dog always does, he/she licks her hand.

Then she heard dripping coming from the bathroom, so she went to go stop the leaking that might be coming from the tap, but the tap wasn't on, nor was it dripping. She turns on the light and looks up at the roof to see if the roof was leaking but turns out her dog was hung by its head above the bathtub.

On the mirror it said, "Humans can lick too," in the dog's blood.

This is a true story, don't be afraid to look it up!

I once got in trouble in the library for putting the women's right book in the fantasy section.

It's really funny, read through everything slowly.

Say "I'm a man" after everything I say.

I went to the bar. "I'm a man." You saw this woman. "I'm a man." You guys married. "I'm a man." You guys bought a house. "I'm a man." You guys went to bed. "I'm a man," you said. "I'm a man," she said. "I'm a man."

I got kicked out of the library for putting a book about women's rights in the fantasy section.

A limbless man sat on the side of a lake every day. He had no hands or legs.

One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, "No."

The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?"

The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever."

So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked.

"No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before."

The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?"

The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."

The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"

Her chest was so flat, I felt gay while hugging her.

She's a 10, but she doesn't like sex.

Here is a good joke: asking for consent before sex.

What do you call a fat, ugly, and hairy woman with a rape whistle? A feminist.

Why can't religious women be raped? Because they are taught to never say no!