Wife jokes

What did the snail say to his ex-wife?

"I'm still leaving you!"

What’s the difference between a job and a wife?

The job keeps sucking after 5 years.

A little girl said one day, "Grandma's gonna die tonight!" The next morning, the girl's grandmother's body was found.

That day she said again, "Grandpa's gonna die tonight!" Sure enough, the girl's grandfather died and his body was discovered the next morning.

That day she said, "Daddy's gonna die tonight." The girl's father was terrified. He lay shaking the entire night. Somehow, he survived until morning. His wife came into the room crying. He asked her why she was upset and she said that the postman had died last night.

Why couldn’t the dwarf husband make his wife pregnant?

Because of his short cummings.

I like my bread how I like my wife: cold and stiff.

Why did Steven Hawking die?

His wife changed the WiFi password.

So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.

Once, there was a couple about to have sex. "I have something to confess," said the shy wife. The husband then said, "Whatever it is, I will still love." The wife then said, "Honey, I'm flat chested." The husband said, "It's okay, I'm a baby down there anyways." He then pulled down his pants and began to have sex.

The next day, the wife said, "I thought you were a baby down there." The husband then said, "I am; 22 inches and 7 pounds."

Zozo laughed at his wife for her husband being a hobo.

What’s red, slimy, and makes my wife scream? Two failed abortions!

A man is watching TV and his wife comes down and says, "I just fell down the stairs, did you not hear me?"

Man, "Sorry, I thought it was the start of Eastenders!"

Stephen only died because his wife tripped over the power cord.

My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.

What do you call a Hippie's Wife? A Mississippi.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

120 pounds.

Julius's wife always stands behind him. Therefore, whenever he looks in the mirror, he sees her (Caesar).

Why did Stephen Hawking's wife get annoyed with him?

He had an affair with Alexa.

How did Stephen Hawking really die?

His wife grounded him from using electronics and unplugged everything!

Wife: Honey! Do you like tea?

Husband: No, I like after "T"!

It means: the letter "U": you!

My wife still misses me...

But her aim is getting better!