Wife jokes
Why couldn’t the dwarf husband make his wife pregnant?
Because of his short cummings.
A little girl said one day, "Grandma's gonna die tonight!" The next morning, the girl's grandmother's body was found.
That day she said again, "Grandpa's gonna die tonight!" Sure enough, the girl's grandfather died and his body was discovered the next morning.
That day she said, "Daddy's gonna die tonight." The girl's father was terrified. He lay shaking the entire night. Somehow, he survived until morning. His wife came into the room crying. He asked her why she was upset and she said that the postman had died last night.
I like my bread how I like my wife: cold and stiff.
So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.
Once, there was a couple about to have sex. "I have something to confess," said the shy wife. The husband then said, "Whatever it is, I will still love." The wife then said, "Honey, I'm flat chested." The husband said, "It's okay, I'm a baby down there anyways." He then pulled down his pants and began to have sex.
The next day, the wife said, "I thought you were a baby down there." The husband then said, "I am; 22 inches and 7 pounds."
Zozo laughed at his wife for her husband being a hobo.
What’s red, slimy, and makes my wife scream? Two failed abortions!
So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"
A man is watching TV and his wife comes down and says, "I just fell down the stairs, did you not hear me?"
Man, "Sorry, I thought it was the start of Eastenders!"
Stephen only died because his wife tripped over the power cord.
My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.
What do you call a Hippie's Wife? A Mississippi.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
120 pounds.
Julius's wife always stands behind him. Therefore, whenever he looks in the mirror, he sees her (Caesar).
Why did Stephen Hawking's wife get annoyed with him?
He had an affair with Alexa.
How did Stephen Hawking really die?
His wife grounded him from using electronics and unplugged everything!
My wife still misses me...
But her aim is getting better!
Wife: Honey! Do you like tea?
Husband: No, I like after "T"!
It means: the letter "U": you!
A girl was going through some really bad health issues at her house. It got so bad that she had to be rushed to the hospital.
Her husband found out about this after work and went to check on her. When he got there, the desk lady immediately pointed down the hall to a doctor. The guy walked up to the doctor, "Are you the one taking care of my wife?" The doctor glanced away from his papers, "Yes, that would be me, but I am afraid that she is in very bad condition. I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that she will have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair. Also, she can't eat normally. Taking care of her will become very hard. Basically, it will be like taking care of a big baby." Shocked, the guy says, "Wait, if that's the bad news, than what is the good news?" The doctor goes, "I'm just kidding with you, she died!"
One late night, my wife caught me standing in front of the freezer.
She asked me, "What are you doing?"
I replied, "I'm making a pink yeti."
She asked, "What does that mean?"
I said, "I left our kid in the freezer for a couple hours."