Wife jokes
Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!
What’s the difference between your wife and a light switch?
I don’t turn on a light switch.
A husband and wife at custody court. The judge looks sternly at the ex-wife.
Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child?"
Ex-wife: "I brought him into this world, so I should have custody of him."
Judge: "That is a simple yet good reason."
Then the judge looks toward the ex-husband.
Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?"
The ex-husband thought long and hard about his response. After a brief moment of silence, he replies, "If I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out, is it mine or the machine's?"
A man robs a bank and asks a woman, "Did you see that?"
She says, "Yes." So the man shoots her.
He leaves the bank and sees a couple. He asks, "Did you see that?" The husband said, "No, but my wife did!"
My wife caught me fucking our daughter. I don't know what she found worse: the fact I was fucking our daughter, or that the clinic gave me the fetus.
Riddle: A man killed his wife in his car with a knife, and no one could see him. He threw the body out of the car and threw the knife off a cliff. When he got home, the cops called the man and told him his wife was dead and to come to the scene of the crime. The man agreed and rushed to the scene. When he got there, the cops immediately arrested him. Why?
ANSWER: The cops never said where the scene of the crime is.
What is the difference between a prostitute and a wife?
A prostitute will fulfill your needs with your money; a wife will fulfill her needs with your money.
Like if you have a boyfriend, girlfriend, or husband, or wife, or a crush.
It was an emotional wedding, even the cake was in tiers.
My dad smashed my PS5, so I smashed his wife.
Tesco's slogan is "Every little helps."
Well, their bag did a wonderful job on suffocating my wife.
A man broke into Stevie Wonder's house and threatened to kill his wife.
He just turned a blind eye.
If Will Smith had a revolver and said, "Who fucked my wife?" Chris Rock would say, "You don't have enough bullets, mate."
Why did the woman cross the road?
What’s she doing out of the kitchen in the first place?
How did Stephen Hawking die? His wife needed to charge her iPhone.
Most embarrassing moment during sex, GO!
James Arnold: My grandma walked in while I was knife raping my wife.
My wife told me to pass her some chapstick, but then I realized she hasn’t talked to me in a month, then remembering I gave her super glue.........ehh I’m done with her big ass mouth.
My wife walked in on me cheating on her and said, "How could you cheat on me?!" I said, "She was lying naked on the table what I was supposed to do?" and my wife responded with, "Perform the autopsy."
My pregnant wife said we were gonna name the kid Digiorno. She wouldn't tell me why until she got an abortion and told me, "It's not delivery, it's Digiorno."
What cigarettes does Churchill's wife like to smoke?
Blue Winston.