When jokes

It did not rain very often when Chuck Norris was a kid.

Why?

Because his favorite childhood song was "Rain Rain Go Away."

When I’m bored, I text a random number, “I hid the body... now what?”

What's the difference between a sheet and a baby?

One of them is really loud when you iron it.

A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”

And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”

When you are going back to where you live from a place that is a time zone behind where you live:

"Looks like I am going back to the future!"

When you realize you forgot to mop your room, you hear footsteps.

When I was in middle school, I was on my bus and people were doin' hairline jokes, and I heard this guy say, "Your hairline goes back to... uhhhhhh... 2042?"

What do you call it when a chameleon won't change colors?

A reptile dysfunction.

Did the people of England see a "game over" sign in the sky when the queen died?

What time is it when it turns 13 o'clock?

Time to get a new watch.

Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what's right, with all your might.

I hate when my brother dates other people.

Just kidding! 😵😵😵😵

My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.

What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I'm dressing.

When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

I started crying when my dad was chopping onions.

Onions was such a good dog!

What did 50 do when he was hungry?

58.