When jokes
My father is like Houdini. When he heard his girlfriend was pregnant, he disappeared.
When you're 34, it'll be 420 months before you turn 69 years old.
Where did Sally go when the explosion happened?
Everywhere!
What do you do when a Panera Bread panera breads?
Panera Bread.
When I was in middle school, I was on my bus and people were doin' hairline jokes, and I heard this guy say, "Your hairline goes back to... uhhhhhh... 2042?"
Memes
When your mom says: "Theres still something inside"
When you realize you forgot to mop your room, you hear footsteps.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
When you are going back to where you live from a place that is a time zone behind where you live:
"Looks like I am going back to the future!"
My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"
But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.
Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”
I hate when my brother dates other people.
Just kidding! 😵😵😵😵
Did the people of England see a "game over" sign in the sky when the queen died?
I just saw people writing "Zoophile," "Ailurophile," and "Dendrophilia" in their bios. I thought this was cool, but when I wrote "Necrophile" and "Pedophile," I don't know why people started hating me as if I did something wrong. I was just trying to be cool like them, man.
When they say you live by the sword, you die by the sword, not in Paul Walker's case. He lived by the car, died by a tree. Well, I guess the car was stumped.
When you meet your gf at the family reunion.
What time is bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?
When the big hand touches the little hand.
What time is it when it turns 13 o'clock?
Time to get a new watch.
Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what's right, with all your might.
What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I'm dressing.
I started crying when my dad was chopping onions.
Onions was such a good dog!