When jokes

What do you get when you put 2 nuns and a blond on a football field? 2 tight ends and a wide receiver.

I cried when my dad cut onions.

Onions was a good dog.

"Don't sneeze!"

Every time I was in the bathroom with my friends, I would always tell them, "Don't sneeze!" and when I did, they just laughed so hard. And when we sneezed, we laughed even harder.

Also,

"It dangles and swung!"

Language art quizzes are the best.

I don’t believe in reincarnation now, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.

—Shane Richie, British actor

What makes a skeleton laugh?

When you tickle his funny bone with a skele-TON of jokes!

Heh.

Little Johnny was finishing up his homework when the teacher gave him an assignment for the day. The instructions were simple: compare two objects; we will work on contrast next week.

How did Jesus kill himself?

He fell from his bike.

How many times did he die?

Once on a bike and once when he fell from a cloud in Heaven.

Good Evening Twitter, this is your boy EatDatPussy445, and about like 30-45 minutes ago, I beat the f*** out of my dick so god damn hard that I can't even feel my left leg, my left leg has went totally numb. And, my dick has also went totally numb, to the point where it feels f***ing weird when I go and take a piss.

When in Poland people go to a house party, and the atmosphere is bad, nobody is talking, they say: "Is there a German here?"

What happens to Emos when they go up?

They never come down.

What did the grape say when the fox stepped on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

Little Johnny was told by his friend that if you go to your parents and say: "I know the truth," they give you money.

So Little Johnny says to his mum, "I know the truth," so his mum hands him 20 dollars and tells him not to tell anyone. So when Little Johnny’s dad gets home, Little Johnny says, "I know the truth." His dad hands him $50 and says not to tell anyone. So Little Johnny tries it on the postman and says, "I know the truth," and the postman says, "Come here, son."

Remember, children, when you're hungry at 3:00, cook forks for 10 minutes, ok?

My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with. I probably should've stopped when I got to her.

Joe mama so fat when she went to the movies, she sat next to everybody.

Joe mama so fat when she stepped on the scale, it said, "One at a time, please."

Joe mama so fat when she stepped on the scale, it said, "To be continued."

You're so fat that when you stepped on a scale, it said, "To be continued..."

When a deaf girl master baits, does she use the other hand to moan?

Your mama's so ugly, when she looked in the mirror, it said, "Viewer discretion advised!"

Where did the orphans go when the orphanage blew up?

Everywhere.

I hooked up with my German girlfriend, but I kept on getting distracted when she kept yelling her age.