When jokes

What did the sand say when it got into a fight with the ocean?

"Oh my God, you're such a beach!"

Where do bunnies go when they're sick?

The hoppital.

I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it goes to get the milk yet never comes back.

Miss you dad.

What turns a girl on more than having sex with her?

When she finds out that you have a vibrator too.

"Luck of the Irish my ass, I just blew a tranny and an engine in my truck both in the same week... Boy it really ruined my day when they found out about each other."

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his gaze is blank. The other hunter grabs his phone and calls emergency services: "My friend is dead! What do I do?"

The emergency dispatcher replies: "Calm down. I can help you. First, make sure he's really dead."

Silence on the other end, then a gunshot. Back on the phone, the hunter asks: "Okay, now what?"

A blond-haired girl, a brown-haired girl, and a ginger-haired girl were out walking when they came across some tracks.

The brown-haired girl looked at them and said, "I think they are elephant tracks."

Then the ginger-haired girl looked at the tracks and said, "No way, they are definitely duck tracks."

Finally, the blond-haired girl bent down to examine the tracks when she got hit by the train.

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle Joe last summer."

What's the difference between a porn star and a mosquito?

One stops sucking when you smack it.

Yo mama so hairy that when she go to the hair salon they say, "No pets allowed."

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?

The Dark Knight Rises.

I was walking down the street when I saw this dude just vibing. He was telling every guy that walked by if his dick was bigger than theirs, they have to give him 50 bucks.

Long story short, I walked away with 100 bucks that day.

What did Homer Simpson say when he ran over a deer? "DOE!"

What do you get when you put 2 nuns and a blond on a football field? 2 tight ends and a wide receiver.

The worst thing about an owl is how they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

It's only okay to beat up a dwarf when they walk up to your wife and say, "Your hair smells nice."

When the school shooter is gonna clap the football team but his AK jams: “Take it easy guys, I was just joking!”

I'm treated like God when I'm home, I'm usually ignored until someone wants something.

Yo mama is so ugly, when there was a tornado, the tornado refused to suck her up.