When jokes

What did a terrorist say when New York didn't want his food?

"Here Comes The Airplane!"

I cried when my dad cut onions. Onions was such a good dog.

What happened when your parents dropped you off at the orphanage? They got sued for littering.

Do you know the TV show "Naked and Afraid?" Well, that's what my grandpa and I played when I was young.

Your mom is so ugly. When she goes to the dentist, they make her face down.

I laughed when I realized that my suicide letter is way longer than my sibling's college essay.

Where was Moses when the lights went out? - In the dark!

An old man goes to a church and is making a confession:

Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18-year-old."

Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"

Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."

Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"

Man: "I’m telling everybody!"

A kid gets home from school and finds his mom and dad having sex. The kid asks, "What are you doing, Dad?" The dad replies, "Having sex with your mom, son," and he starts laughing.

The next day, Dad gets home from work and finds his son having sex with his nan. The dad shouts, "What the hell are you doing, son?" The kid replies, "It's not funny when it's your mom, is it?"

What's the difference between a man and a table?

The table doesn't cry when I break its legs.

When the teacher calls on you and asks you how many people did Hitler kill?

"One, he killed himself."

What shoes do pedophiles wear? White vans.

How do pedophiles fit in? They force it to go in.

How do you make a 16 mm hole into a 40 mm hole? A pedophile comes in.

What did Santa say when he was passing over some hookers? "Ho ho ho!"

Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O-negative blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin sister has O-negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, “So when will I die?” She thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.

When you ask the cashiers for the specials menu, and they bring out the autistic kid, blind kid, and Down syndrome kid.

What do you do when you finish a magazine at the hospital?

Reload and keep shooting.

When your girlfriend has an abortion, it's kinda like dodging your own bullets.

Someone: When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to cheer up.

Me: My, what a great idea! Why didn't I think of that? ;)

Yo mama is so ugly, when she took a bath, the water jumped out.

What do babies and grenades have in common? They both make noise when you throw them.

I got introduced to a dwarf at a nudist colony the other day.

When we shook, the pleasure was all mine.