When jokes
When you were supposed to help the depressed kid, but not "help" the depressed kid.
When Chuck Norris breaks a mirror, the mirror gets seven years of bad luck.
My mind was blown when I saw all the people waving at me.
-JFK
You have a six-minute timer to live, but when you breathe, it resets.
What's the difference between an onion and a hooker?
I cry when I chop up onions.
What do you call it when Hitler puts retards in the oven? Baked potatoes.
A guy is sitting at a bar when a drunk man walks up to him, calling his mom a whore. The guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his beer. An hour goes by and the drunk man comes back saying, "Your mom is a whore!" The guy sitting looks around the bar, sees people staring and says, "Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunk man walks up a third time and says, "Your mom... is such... a whore!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says, "You know what? Go home Dad!"
Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.
“Correct,” says the teacher.
The next day the teacher asks, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”
Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack’s pencil.
“Jesus Christ almighty!” she shouts.
“Correct again,” says the teacher.
The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.
This time the teacher asks her, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?”
Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m going to crack it in half!”
When Stephen Hawking found out about physics, he was speechless.
Yo mama so fat, when she joined NASA, they put her in orbit and the next day there was a lunar eclipse.
What’s the difference between a prostitute and a Twinkie?
Nothing. They both squirt their white stuff when you eat it.
Serial murderer Ed Gein was famed for raping, killing, and skinning his victims.
When he was asked why he did it, he responded, "You don't know someone until you walk around in their skin."
Where was Moses when the lights went out? - In the dark!
What did a terrorist say when New York didn't want his food?
"Here Comes The Airplane!"
I cried when my dad cut onions. Onions was such a good dog.
What happened when your parents dropped you off at the orphanage? They got sued for littering.
Your mom is so ugly. When she goes to the dentist, they make her face down.
Do you know the TV show "Naked and Afraid?" Well, that's what my grandpa and I played when I was young.
I laughed when I realized that my suicide letter is way longer than my sibling's college essay.
An old man goes to a church and is making a confession:
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18-year-old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."
Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "I’m telling everybody!"