When jokes

I got introduced to a dwarf at a nudist colony the other day.

When we shook, the pleasure was all mine.

Someone: When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to cheer up.

Me: My, what a great idea! Why didn't I think of that? ;)

I was on the Oregon trail with my friend's brother, Carl. He got cholera, so we threw him off the wagon. When we came back, he was having a seizure and pooping uncontrollably. It was pretty cholerious.

Yo mama is so ugly, when she took a bath, the water jumped out.

What do babies and grenades have in common? They both make noise when you throw them.

What do you do when you finish a magazine at the hospital?

Reload and keep shooting.

People complain we are overpopulated.

Well, then if we committed suicide, then why do they be sad? It's one less person to think about. Why complain about it when in the end we become sad people?

When do astronauts eat?

At launch time!

A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.

“Super Power Beer,” he says.

“Oh, yeah? I doubt it?”

Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, and lands with no damage whatsoever. He walks back into the bar.

“Amazing!” the man says. “Let me have some!” The man grabs the beer. He drinks it, jumps off the roof — and falls 15 stories to the ground.

Splat.

The barman says. “You know, you’re a real idiot when you’re drunk, Superman.”

When the school shooter throws a smoke bomb into the classroom, and the autistic kid thinks it's a dance party.

When Stephen Hawking was feeling hungry, he used to call in to his local PC World for a megabyte and some microchips.

I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.

When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"

I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."

My mind was blown when I saw all the people waving at me.

-JFK

Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

What did the lesbian vampire say to the heterosexual woman after the lesbian vampire was done licking the pussy of the heterosexual woman?

"When is your next blood period?"

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

What is the difference between a baby and a trampoline?

I take off my boots when I jump on a trampoline.

What do french fries 🍟 do when they meet?

They ketchup.

What do you get when you throw a baby into the wheat thresher?

An erection.

Named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I can say, “Get down, Syndrome!”