When jokes
What do you get when you cross an eagle with a lion?
A griffin.
Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have a black eye?"
Johnny said, "Well, me and my parents have to share a bed, and my dad asked me if I was asleep and I said no, so he smacked me."
The teacher said, "Well tonight, don't say anything."
The next day, Johnny walked in with another black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have another black eye?" Little Johnny said, "Well, last night, I did what you said and didn't say anything when my dad asked me if I was asleep. A few minutes later, my dad said he was coming, and my mom said she was coming too. They usually don't go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me, I'm coming too.'"
If you have a daughter, give her the same name as the mum; that way when you call for a beer, you get two beers, and when you call for sex, you get two sex...
What do you call the Illuminati when they take over the world and control everything?
The Jew World Order.
What's the difference between a gun and chips? When you bring it to class, everyone starts wanting to be your friend.
What do tomatoes 🍅 do when they meet?
They ketchup.
What do you call it when tectonic plates start racing?
Continental Drift.
Q: What does a microwave and an M1 Garand have in common?
A: They both go “ping” when they’re done.
What time is it when you can drive home from phone?
What time is it when dogs get hurt?
Time to take your dog to the vet!
What do you call purple when it's being mean? Violent.
Why are orphans always so successful? Because when they're told "go big or go home," they only have one option.
The top worst thing for an orphan, and probably the most awkward one, is when they're having sex and the other person is calling them "mommy" or "daddy."
Well, if Stephen Hawking likes black holes so much, why did he call security when I put my hole on his face?
What does a disabled person want to be when they grow up? A stand-up comedian.
What do you say when going for a dunk in basketball?
"Kobe crash!"
What happens when an emo goes to the grocery store? The cashier scans their wrist too.
When your legs forget how to work after leg day, I can't climb the stairs.
Michael Myers right behind me. Runs like I'm a track star!
My girlfriend is incredibly sad since her cat has disappeared.
I am quite sure now that I misunderstood something when she asked me to eat her pussy--and I am beginning to think that I did not get the "fuck her doggy" part either.
You're so poor, when a robber robs your house, they feel bad for you and just leave.