When jokes
Man and woman are having a discussion. The woman looks into the man's eyes and says, "Honey, you know how I like it when you walk up and stick it in . . . "
". . . but I love it when Bob walks up and sticks it in!"
Divorce is scheduled for next month.
I wasn’t close to my dad when he died. It’s a good thing he stepped on a land mine.
Father and mother are making love in the bedroom. Mother is on top of father. Suddenly, the son enters the bedroom. Everyone is embarrassed, of course.
The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says, "I'll tell you about what you saw yesterday. You know, Dad has a big belly, and that's why Mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat." The little boy says, "But Mama, that does not make any difference." "Oh no?" the mom asks. "No," says the little boy, "When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and she blows his belly up again!"
Why did Hellen hate when her dad yelled at her?
Oh wait, she didn’t know! 🤣🤣
Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you are pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”
"Meow, meow, woof, woof." That's what animals say to me when I die.
After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.
Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"
Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."
Lord: "My dog died?!"
Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."
Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"
Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."
Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"
Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."
Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"
Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"
Why can’t Kurt Cobain ride in the passenger seat?
Because he doesn’t like when someone calls "shotgun!"
When did Michael say, "This is it"?
2009.
what do you get when you cross parents, the san fran bridge and a moody asian teen?
Niagra falls
What is it called when two Mexicans play basketball?
Juan on Juan.
What do you call it when you baptize a Mexican? Bean dip!
Black humor is when you ask water to African people.
What did Siri say when Stephen Hawking spoke to him... Sorry, I don't like Microsoft.
I'm so poor that when people come over to my house, I come out the window and say, "Ding Dong!"
What turns a girl on more than having sex with her?
When she finds out that you have a vibrator too.
I actually think Paul Walker was a good man, he did not deserve to be burned alive.
He had a change of race tho when he died.
I played Clash of Clans, and when I requested troops, all I got were some Muslim wall breakers.
What do you get when you cross an eagle with a lion?
A griffin.
Why use Heathrow when we have your forehead?