When jokes

Brother 2: We have these weird circles on the street! Government is tracking us!!!

Brother 1: They are just to sense cars so they can change lights. And it's the government.

Brother 2: Then why are there two in the left turn lane?

Brother 1: So one car isn't always going left and stopping the others.

Brother 2: Then why are they one car apart? Oh, to have three people going.

Brother 1: Correct. When I see one car on the first, I go on the second so my light changes.

Brother 2: You monster.

Brother 1: I wonder if they trigger by weight?

Brother 2: HA. Yo mama would trigger the sensor.

Brother 1: ARG. It's OUR MAMA you're disrespecting.

Mother (brother 1): What's going on boys? *looks in mirror* HOLY SH@& SHE IS PRETTY!

Brother 2: I think you should take your pills.

Brother 1: Found them.

*imaginary mother and brother fade away*

Thank you ELECTROBOOM for inspiring this joke/sh!t. Go subb to him.

Btw the (1) means it is just imaginary brother one acting like another brother.

When Stephen Hawking entered Heaven and met with the Lord, after a short interview God asked: "Hey Stephen, I need you to explain to me how does all this stuff work?"

What is it called when an art teacher has a heart attack?

An art attack!

Mary had a lamb. Her fleece was black as coal. When I tried to touch it that night, next day I went to court.

How can you tell when your sister is on her period?

Your dad's knob tastes funny.

Do you guys know why women have small feet? It's because God created them to stand closer to the sink when they wash dishes.

There were 500 bricks on a plane. One fell off.

Little Sally was crossing a river full of crocodiles. How did she survive the river? She had a gun. When she got out of the river, she died. Why? Because a brick fell on her head.

What time is it when you get home? Can you walk me home, and then get home? Then I can walk you home, and walk home.

I thought I told you to lock up when I left this morning. This is why our shit gets stolen all the time!

What did the make-a-wish kid say when the Avengers turn up without Tony Stark?

"We are in the endgame now!"

I have two things I wanna say:

1. When people swear, stop taking it so fucking literally. If someone calls you a bitch, they're not calling you a female dog. If they call you a cunt, they're not calling you a woman's private part, they are calling you either an idiot, scaredy cat/baby, or something along those lines, ffs.

2. wtf

I love it when cancer hits like a ton of bricks. The best part is when it kills people.

What did the brother cell say when the sister cell stepped on his foot? Ow, mitosis! (my toe, sis)

There was a woman named Sally. She loved to have sex with other people. One time, she had sex with me. I noticed her bra size was 69 (+69). That is fucking big!

Ok, then when her partner was pissing, he told her she should call the doctor. So she dialed 2063512000 (+2000) and called the doctor. The office was on 51st street ave NE (+51). Holy shit, the doctor said! The boots were so big that she had to take 8 pills (x 8). The next morning, she was ________.

69 + 51 + 2000 x 8 = 16120

58008 (flip calculator)

Boobless.

What do you get when you cross an octopus with a Mexican?

I don't know, but man can it pick lettuce.

When a man sleeps with a lot of women, he's called a stud. When a woman sleeps with a lot of men, she's called your mum.

What do you call it when you're trying to find out what someone had for lunch?

An ingestigation.

When I nailed the quiz, my teacher wasn't very happy. I wasn't either with all those paper cuts.

Oof.

What happened when a hammer punished the nail?

He hit him.

Where do you go when food dies?

A fooderal.