When jokes
What did MLK Jr. say when he spent the night on the internet?
"Last night I had a meme."
When I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
What do bubbles get when they’re sick?
The suds.
What did Stephen Hawking say when he died?
Boo Boo Doo.
How do you know when you should tell a heterosexual woman to stop sucking your dick?
When there is blood coming out of your dick instead of sperm.
What happens when a Tandemaus evolves?
Friend: What's that white stuff coming out of the Pokémon Box?
I cried when my dad cut onions. Onions was such a good dog.
What do you get when you cross an adopted kid with a river?
Moses hits the adoption lottery!
What’s the difference between Jesus and a hooker?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
So, this woman had a job. She wanted to hang out with her boyfriend, so she lied about having the coronavirus. Then she got out of work. Then she was texting her boss when she thought she was texting her boyfriend. Then she said, "I lied. Now we can...you know...water...sigh...lick...sigh." Then her boss texted, "Ew and YOU'RE FIRED."
One more story: One day this teen named Alexis got kicked out of a house, then went to live with her boyfriend. Then she got pregnant and posted it all on social media.
Dr. Seuss died September 24, but that was a lie. Dr. Seuss, when he was 97, he stole a plane and the last rhyme he did was “up in the sky so very far he comes, Dr. Seuss allahuakbar.”
When my grandpa was 65, he decided to run a mile a day to keep fit.
He's 70 now, and we have no idea where he is.
A 13 year old girl is having a sleepover. One of her friends asks, "When was the last time you had an orgasm?" She replies, "3 days ago." Dad comes bursting in, "I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT!"
Even a psychopath is sympathetic when an onion self-harms!
What do you call yourself when you fist a midget?
A ventriloquist.
What did the terrorist do when his kidneys failed?
Dial-ISIS!
How do you know when a joke has turned into a dad joke?
When it leaves you and never comes back.
"What happens when an Asian man runs into a brick wall?"
"A broken nose."
Why did the orphan kill himself when he found out who his dad was? Because he found out his dad was Donald Trump.
I did a walk today and had fun. Today, I did not have to go get my kids and get to my new house. 🏠 It was a good day. I had fun. I did a walk today. I had fun today, but I’m going to be at the car 🚘 when I’m at my car. 🚘 What time was your night time? What time did [you go to bed]?