When jokes

What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer?

When my computer crashes, I actually give a fuck.

There was a car accident, and the cops pull up to the crime scene to start asking people questions. The police started talking to a blonde lady and said, "What happened here?" She responded by saying, "A car crash." They then asked, "But how did it happen?" She responded, "The cars crashed into each other." They finally said, "But why did it happen?" The lady said, "Oh, I know where you're going with this. It happened because when cars push on the gas pedal, the car goes forward, and they both pushed it, so they both went forward and hit each other." One cop said, "Never mind, ma'am," and they started walking away.

The blonde lady then said, "Oh, and officers, my computer froze. Do you think I should put it in the microwave or in the oven?"

When Simba was walking too slow, I told him to mufasa.

How are a gay guy and a refrigerator different?

When you pull the meat out of the refrigerator, it doesn’t fart.

What did the dinosaur eat when the dentist fixed his tooth?

The dentist!

What do you get when you cross a priest with a toilet?

Holy shit.

The school shooter when the cops show up be like:

"Ain't nothing gonna break my stride, ain't nothing gonna hold me down. Oh oh. I've got to keep on moving."

I was in a bar in Italy. Me and a hot chick got along, so I asked her for her number. I remembered that there was a pen in my pocket, but when I searched, it was nowhere to be found. I turned back, then I saw Pessi running with it. Shame on you, Pessi, for ruining my night! 😭

What is the difference between Princess Diana and my laptop?

When my laptop crashes, I give a s**t.

What do you get when you cross an eagle with a lion?

A griffin.

When we die we get sent to heaven, but when Stephen Hawking died, he was sent to the cloud.

1. Your face is so ugly, I thought it was deformed. It probably was anyways.

2. Even if Donald Trump had time to build a wall, it was probably so you won't squish us with your fatass.

If someone says your face is deformed, just say that's what happens when I look at you.

Welcome.

Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have a black eye?"

Johnny said, "Well, me and my parents have to share a bed, and my dad asked me if I was asleep and I said no, so he smacked me."

The teacher said, "Well tonight, don't say anything."

The next day, Johnny walked in with another black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have another black eye?" Little Johnny said, "Well, last night, I did what you said and didn't say anything when my dad asked me if I was asleep. A few minutes later, my dad said he was coming, and my mom said she was coming too. They usually don't go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me, I'm coming too.'"

If you have a daughter, give her the same name as the mum; that way when you call for a beer, you get two beers, and when you call for sex, you get two sex...

When your legs forget how to work after leg day, I can't climb the stairs.

Michael Myers right behind me. Runs like I'm a track star!

Well, if Stephen Hawking likes black holes so much, why did he call security when I put my hole on his face?

Why are orphans always so successful? Because when they're told "go big or go home," they only have one option.

When the imposter is sus! Ahahaha ding ding ding ding ding ding ding! Dididing! Dun dun! Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding! Ding ding ding didididing!

You're so poor, when a robber robs your house, they feel bad for you and just leave.

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? "Olgh..."