When jokes
What did the fish say when he got to the dam?
"Dam water."
"Dam!"
When you're sad, don't feel down about yourself. Break a leg, and you'll forget all about it.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? -- Tequila Mockingbird.
What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
One screams when you put it in a blender, and the other one is a cooperative little fruit.
When a cookie 🍪 wins a race, what will the crowd say?
“Chip Chip Hooray!”
What do you call it when human vegetables die?
Spoiled food product.
What do you call it when a lizard can’t get a boner?
Ereptile Dysfunction!
What did Jesus say when they removed the nails from his hands?
"Feet! Feet!"
What do trans men and Pinocchio have in common?
Both are lying when they say, "I'm a real boy."
what happens when the president turns emo?
the great depression.
A man asked another man if he was happy with his marriage. He replied, "Yes, I'm very happy. We go on date night every week." The other man asked, "When?" He goes on Wednesday and I go on Thursday.
A guy is walking down the street when he almost steps in something. He looks down and says, "Looks like shit."
He crouches down and smells it, "Smells like shit."
He sticks his finger in, tastes it, "Tastes like shit."
He then smiles and says, "Well, good thing I didn't step on it!"
When you’re fucking your boss and realize it’s a family business.
Two guys were walking down the street, and one of the guys told his friend he could talk any blond in the world into giving him a blowjob, any blond!
So the guy bet him 20 bucks and pointed to this cute blond sitting on the side of the road and said, "Alright, let's see it!"
The other guy walks up to the cutie and says, "Hi, my name's Dave, and my doctor just told me that if I didn't get a blowjob from a blond within three hours, the disease I have will kill me in, oh, let's see now, 22 minutes!"
She looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "You mean I could save you from dying right now?" Then she says, "Pull it out!"
Ten minutes later, the two men were laughing and patting old Dave on the back when his friend noticed the blond sitting in the alley bawling her eyes out!
So he walks over to her and says, "I would have thought you would be so happy for saving my friend's life?!"
So she looks up at him just crying her eyes out even worse and says, "I could have saved my dad!"
When is a right time to dance on a body? If it is under the floorboards.
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they all said, "Bach, Bach, Bach!"
When your wife gets pregnant and you don't want a kid, just come on down to Momma Mia's Pizzeria and abortion clinic!
Dababy in my dickle trickle when eating my pickle.
Why do blonde prostitutes prefer blowjobs?
They hate it when you hand it to them.
My sister told me she liked Medusa.
I said, "Huh?"
My sister said my blow jobs are so good she looks up at the guy's facial expression, and when they look down, they do nothing but stay still.