When jokes
What sound does a nut make when it comes alive?
Christmas!
What did the potato say when the sweet potato told it to hurry?
I yam.
What do orphans do when they get a phone? They press the home button.
What did the toilet paper say when he got stuck in a crack on the side walk?
"I got stuck in a butt crack!"
A Texan and an Alaskan walk in a room. The Alaskan says, "My state is bigger than yours." The Texan says, "It won't be when it melts!"
Memes
When a cat gets a sibling, do they say, "Oh, shit! Another mew kid?!?!?!"
What do you get when you cross an atheist an insomniac?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.
What do you say when your friend has an ankle sprain?
"Damn bro, you got an ankle spring!"
"hvhuhdsjcjdsijdskdsivhdsvhsjdvnsjdvdshvgdshgsdhfgh" That's what my friend said when he gave an EpiPen. I don't know why, though.
What's the difference between a baby and a pizza?
One does not crow when you put it in an oven.
When your mom comes in at night then sees your... sleeping, but sees something moving, so she gets a chair and whacks it, then she says, "I thought it was a mouse."
What does Christian say when he wants out of jail?
"Bale me out!"
Your mama is so stupid that when she heard drinks were on the house, she grabbed a ladder.
When did I wake up?
At the quack of dawn!
I asked my girlfriend if she was a smoke alarm. She said, "Is it because I warned him when hotness came?" I said, "No, you don’t shut up!"
When do eggs hatch?
At the CRACK of dawn!
Where did Stephen Hawking go when he broke his leg?
Hospital or Currys PC World?
When it's cold outside, men can cut ice in three places.
When someone asks you for a beef (fight), just say you're a vegetarian.
What time is it when you get home and you can walk walk?