When jokes
When you tell your mom that she is bad at jokes, then she tells you, "Well, I made you!"
I went to a store to get milk, but when I got home, there were a million cows waiting for milk, so they killed me.
This city slicker broke down on a country road. He looked around, and in the distance, he spotted a farm house. When he finally got there, he asked the farmer if he had a phone he could use because his had no reception.
The farmer told him he could use it if he married his daughter. The guy said he really didn’t wanna get married, and the farmer said, "If you marry my daughter, I’ll give you half my farm..." The guy said, "Lemme see her..." The farmer hollered, “Hey you, get over here...” and she said, “Duh, ok.” The ol' boy looked at her and said, "Nooo thank you."
The father said, “I’ll give you all my farm and my bank account if you’ll marry my daughter....” The ol' boy thought for a minute and said, “Well I guess I can put a sack over her head.” So they married and the farmer kept his word and gave him everything.
One day the guy was up fixin' the roof and hollered, “Hey you, get me some nails...” His wife said, “Duh, nails, nails?” He said, “Yes, nails,” and showed her one. She said, “Oh, duh, nails, nails.” He said, “Yes, nails.” So she got him some. He was hammering away when he hit his thumb, and he yells, “Oh F*** it!” and she turned and hollered, “Duh, a sack, a sack, duh, a sack!”
What's the difference between a baby and an onion? I cry when I chop up an onion.
What’s Michael Jackson’s favorite holiday? 4th of July when they set off fireworks.
You're so ugly that when One Direction saw you, they went the OTHER direction!
What is the difference between a gay person and a refrigerator?
The refrigerator doesn’t start moaning and groaning when you try to put the meat in.
A Japanese, Hispanic, and Iraqi man are in a plane. The Japanese man drops a bowl off of it and shouts "I love my country!" Then the Hispanic man drops a burrito off the side and shouts, "I love my country!" Finally, the Iraqi man drops a bomb and shouts, "I love my country!"
Not much longer on, a man walks by a boy who is sitting by a crater laughing non-stop. And the man asks, "What's so funny?" And the boy says "When I farted, my house blew up!"
Yo mama is so old that when she was in history class as a kid, all they learned about was themselves!
Bully: Ur momma so fat that the whales said we are family even though you are a little bigger than us.
Nerd: Yo momma so ugly that when she went in the bathtub, the water jumped out.
Silence...................punch!
I thought I told you to lock up when I left this morning. This is why our shit gets stolen all the time!
I asked my Dad the other day, "At what age is it okay to have sex with girls?"
He replied, "When they leave school, son, they are legal."
Apparently, 3:15 p.m. is not what he meant.
When your cousin dies and everybody thinks you're her.
FUCKING MENT
Four gay guys are sitting in a Jacuzzi when all of a sudden, a condom starts floating. One of the gay guys turns around and asks, "Okay, who farted?"
When your mum went to the UK and wore a yellow jacket, everyone started yelling "Taxi! Taxi!"
Do you know why they call me battery saver?
I get turned on when it’s below 10%.
What do you call a stoner when horny?
A weed whacker!
This boy was in school one day when he became desperate to go to the bathroom.
So he asked the teacher, "May I use the bathroom?"
The teacher replied, "No, not unless you say your alphabet."
So the boy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."
When he finished, the teacher asked him, "Where's the p?"
The boy replied, "Half way down my leg..."
When you see a group of pornstars sitting together looking up with their mouths open, that's when you know that Mama bird is back at the nest to feed the baby birds some worms.
Yo life got no meaning, just like your dad when he left. Like if it's a good one.