When jokes

My lesbian friends bought me a nice watch for my birthday. I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch."

My lesbian neighbors and my sister gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted a watch.

What's the difference between a baby and a pizza?

One does not crow when you put it in an oven.

When a cat gets a sibling, do they say, "Oh, shit! Another mew kid?!?!?!"

What time is it when you get home and you can walk walk?

What do orphans do when they get a phone? They press the home button.

What did the toilet paper say when he got stuck in a crack on the side walk?

"I got stuck in a butt crack!"

When your mom comes in at night then sees your... sleeping, but sees something moving, so she gets a chair and whacks it, then she says, "I thought it was a mouse."

What time is it when you get home, can walk walk home and walk walk home from school and walk walk home from school and walk walk home from school and walk walk home?

🏡 night time and I can drive to the car tomorrow night.

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Dam.

When the phone is ringing, Dad says, "If it's for me, don't answer it."

What did the skeleton say when the other skeleton lied to him?

"You can't lie to me! I can see right through you!"

What did the mechanic say to the other mechanic when he broke the car?

"How will we wrench ourselves out of this?"

When did I wake up?

At the quack of dawn!

Yo mama is so fat that when she put on a yellow dress, people called her "taxi."

What do you get when you throw a pebble in the ocean?

A wet pebble.

Yo mama so fat, when Santa Claus went down the chimney, he said, "Ho, ho, hooooly sh*t!"

When someone asks you for a beef (fight), just say you're a vegetarian.

I asked my girlfriend if she was a smoke alarm. She said, "Is it because I warned him when hotness came?" I said, "No, you don’t shut up!"

What do you say when your friend has an ankle sprain?

"Damn bro, you got an ankle spring!"