When jokes

Your mum is so fat Les Dawson would agree with me that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand, she throws it.

Why do I call my priest daddy?

Because he raped my mom when she was 13. She's 27 now.

What do you get when you stuff some cows into a food container?

A can o' bull.

Why was going through JFK's head when he was getting assassinated? A bullet.

Some guy was mad at his ex-wife! So he threw a bottle of alcohol into her house when he was drunk.

And realized when he was being questioned for arson, his cigarette was in the rim of the bottle.

What did they do with his body when he died?

They made him into Lego so kids can play with him for once.

There were people having sex when it started sinking. Legend tells when you go near the ship you can see semen, and if you listen close enough you'll hear them moaning.

Now that's a hell of a ghost story!

Unlike the Americans, Hitler knew when to kill himself.

When you mix a wizard, a rabbit, and a songwriter together, you get 24 carrot magic.

Your mum is so fat, when she sat in a monster truck, it turned into a lowrider.

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses.

His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?"

"Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"

I told my mom, "Do you want to see a magic trick?" She said yes. I said, "You are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." My mom said, "No, I'm not," but I told my mom, "I'm going to need your assistance." First, I need you to lick and suck on my hot dog that is attached to me, which she did. The next minute my mom has a cream pie over her face. Then I told my mom, "You see, you are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." Then my mom said, "When you are right, you are right."

There were three babies in a mom's stomach. One baby asks, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" The other baby answers, "A doctor. I want to help people. What about you?"

"I want to be an engineer. I want to make things. What about you?" he asks to the third baby.

"I want to be a hunter."

"Why?" the other babies ask.

"I want to kill the snake that spits on my face."

Why did the cowboy die with his boots on??

He didn’t want to stub his toe when he kicked da bucket 😂🤣👌🏻👌🏻.. knee slapper

This gay guy was so happy with his new boyfriend that he took him to his favorite gay bar.

An hour or so goes by, then the new flame says, "I just LOVE this place, everyone is so nice, food is great, but what's up with the monkey way down there?"

His friend says "OK, watch this." He goes up behind the chimp and smacked him in back of its head. The monkey jumped off the stool, pulls down his zipper, and gives him head. When finished, the chimp took a napkin, cleaned himself, pulled up his zipper, then jumped back to his chair.

He walked back to his new gay friend and said, "What do you think of that?"

"MAN, I seen some amazing things, but never like that!" His squeeze said, "Wanna give it a try?"

"I sure do, JUST DON'T hit me as hard as you hit that monkey."

When you’re hunting at a forest resort and you shoot a deer, but then you remember that there are no deer at the forest resort.

What do Jamaicans say when they touch a cactus?

Pokemon!

What did the car say when it crashed? That's wheely unfortunate!

What do you get when you cross a deer and a pickle?

A dildo.

When a stranger keeps telling kids to kill themselves AKA the Stigg.