When jokes

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack was surprised to see she had different eyes, and that’s when he realized... Jack had fucked Jill’s daughter.

A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. When he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says, "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.

What's the difference between you and Hitler?

Hitler knew when to kill himself.

What's the similarity between women and car parking spaces? The good ones are always taken, and sometimes when nobody's looking, you slip in the disabled one.

A man is at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. A few years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”

What do you call your daughter's boyfriend when he brings her back past 10pm?

An ambulance.

Michael Jackson gets really ill, so he's rushed to hospital. When they get there, he says, "Am I in heaven?"

The doctor replies, "Nah, sir, we're just taking a quick shortcut through the children's ward."

You know when you sign up for something and it says "I'm not a robot"? I guess he never had the chance to tick that.

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way.

What is it called when an orphan takes a selfie?

A family photo.

What's the difference between onions and babies?

I cry when I cut onions.

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers.

I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!

How do you know when an orphan is lying?

When they say, "I swear on my mother's life."

I asked a poor old woman if I could take her home. She smiled and said yes. However, the expression on her face soon changed when I started walking away with her cardboard box.

Yo mama's so fat, when she fell I didn't laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.

10 Fun Facts.

1. You can't wash your eyes with soap. 2. You can't count your hair. 3. You can't breathe through your nose with your tongue out. 4. You just tried number 3. 5. When you did number 3, you realized it's possible, only you look like a dog. 6. You're smiling right now because you were fooled. 7. You skipped number 5. 8. You just checked to see if there is a number 5. 9. Share this with your friends to have some fun too :-)

what do you get when you play a country song backwards? you get your wife, your house, and your kids back.

What is it called when an orphan takes a selfie?

Family photo.