When jokes

One morning a dad was sitting and watching TV. His daughter comes in and says, "Dad! Why is my name Rose?" He replied, "Oh! It's because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head." "Cool," Rose said.

The second daughter walked in and said, "Dad! Why is my name Daisy?" He replied, "Oh! It's because when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your head." "Awesome," Daisy said.

The third daughter came in and said, "DuUuBuDuRDeEDeRdUuUuU!!!" "SHUT UP CINDER BLOCK!!!"

What do you call your daughter's boyfriend when he brings her back past 10pm?

An ambulance.

Me at the Oscars when I see Jada Pinkett Smith, I said: "G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I. Jada 2, can't wait to see it."

So Will Smith is laughing and then suddenly, Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face.

Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigga Smith goes: "KEEP MY WIFE'S NAME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" Me: "Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers."

What's the difference between you and Hitler?

Hitler knew when to kill himself.

What is it called when an orphan takes a selfie?

Family photo.

When a midget smokes weed, do they get high or medium?

What is it called when an orphan takes a selfie?

A family photo.

A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. When he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says, "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.

What's the similarity between women and car parking spaces? The good ones are always taken, and sometimes when nobody's looking, you slip in the disabled one.

what do you get when you play a country song backwards? you get your wife, your house, and your kids back.

A man is at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. A few years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”

How do you know when an orphan is lying?

When they say, "I swear on my mother's life."

Michael Jackson gets really ill, so he's rushed to hospital. When they get there, he says, "Am I in heaven?"

The doctor replies, "Nah, sir, we're just taking a quick shortcut through the children's ward."

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers.

I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!

You know when you sign up for something and it says "I'm not a robot"? I guess he never had the chance to tick that.

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way.

What's the difference between onions and babies?

I cry when I cut onions.

I asked a poor old woman if I could take her home. She smiled and said yes. However, the expression on her face soon changed when I started walking away with her cardboard box.

Yo mama's so fat, when she fell I didn't laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.