When jokes

Even a psychopath is sympathetic when an onion self-harms!

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack was surprised to see she had different eyes, and that’s when he realized... Jack had fucked Jill’s daughter.

What do you get when you cross a road with a stalker?

Raped.

What's the similarity between women and car parking spaces? The good ones are always taken, and sometimes when nobody's looking, you slip in the disabled one.

pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die.

passengers: *start freaking out*

pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when.

passengers: *sigh with relief*

pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain.

A man is at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. A few years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”

What's the difference between you and Hitler?

Hitler knew when to kill himself.

Michael Jackson gets really ill, so he's rushed to hospital. When they get there, he says, "Am I in heaven?"

The doctor replies, "Nah, sir, we're just taking a quick shortcut through the children's ward."

You know when you sign up for something and it says "I'm not a robot"? I guess he never had the chance to tick that.

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way.

What is it called when an orphan takes a selfie?

A family photo.

What's the difference between onions and babies?

I cry when I cut onions.

I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!

I asked a poor old woman if I could take her home. She smiled and said yes. However, the expression on her face soon changed when I started walking away with her cardboard box.

When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.

what do you get when you play a country song backwards? you get your wife, your house, and your kids back.

When you're working in the Twin Towers and your computer connects to the airplane wifi.

When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."

What is it called when an orphan takes a selfie?

Family photo.

The only time you see a depressed person lifted up is when they hang themselves.