When jokes
What is purple and whines when it’s squished?
A bunch of grapes! 🍇😂
Q: what happened when the depressed kid wanted to high five the tree?
A: It left him/her/them hanging.
How do you know when a football player has been to jail?
When he goes in a tight end and comes out a wide receiver.
Johnny Depp to a 15-year-old girl: "Wow, look at that sexy body! Savvy!"
Michael Jackson, when talking about a 6-year-old boy: "The boy is mine! That doggone boy is mine! Don't waste your time...."
Donald Trump, Bill Clinton, and Jeffrey Epstein entering and exclaiming, "Wow, this place is more fun than the Playboy Mansion!"
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Remember kids, when you're angry, burn down an orphanage. Then they'll really be living the hard knock life.
Why are people mass buying toilet paper because of the coronavirus?
When someone sneezes, everyone shits their pants.
What do you get when you cross a lesbian that is a feminazi, a lesbian that is a progressive democrat, a promiscuous woman that is a lesbian prostitute working inside a lesbian brothel in San Francisco, California, and one of Jehovah's Witnesses?
What do you get when you mix up a group of emos?
Suicide squad.
What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat? Banned from the petting zoo!
Q: What did the cannibal shout when his friend fell on the floor?
A: "FIVE SECOND RULE!"
A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation, and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.
On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going, he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.
The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day, you could have said that she died from complications."
The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down..."
Why did the snail paint a big "S" on his car?
Because he wanted people to say look at that S-car go when he rolled by.
Three men are traveling through the desert when their single camel dies. They walk for a while, but then it becomes night. Desperate for shelter, they suddenly stumble across a tent, and inside are three beautiful women. The men were not only lost but horny, too, so they begin to have sex with the women. But the tent belongs to a prince, and these three women were his wives, so he is very angry when he arrives an hour later and sees three strangers having sex with his wives. He tells the three men he will chop off their penises as punishment, in some way relating to their job. He asks the first man what his job is:
The guy says, "I'm a fireman."
The prince says, "Then we'll burn your dick off!"
The second guy says, "I'm an employee at the shooting range."
The prince says, "Then we'll shoot your dick off!"
The third guy smiles and says, "I'm a lollipop salesman."
What happens when an emo kid tries to high-five you? You leave him hanging.
I don't always roll a joint, but when I do, it's my ankle.
I saw a beautiful homeless girl and asked if I could take her out on a date. She politely accepted and enjoyed herself. Soon after, I asked if I could take her home, she smiled and nodded her head. Her smile disappeared when she saw me running away with her cardboard box.
Why do short people laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?
A meltdown.
When the US Army found Chinese soldiers selling secrets to China, they said, "Looks like we have some chinks in our armor."