When jokes
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Remember kids, when you're angry, burn down an orphanage. Then they'll really be living the hard knock life.
Why are people mass buying toilet paper because of the coronavirus?
When someone sneezes, everyone shits their pants.
I was in a public bathroom in a handicap stall, and when I got out, a handicapped man told me that I was an a**hole. I told him, "Bet you won't stand up and say that to my face," and then he broke down.
What do you get when you mix up a group of emos?
Suicide squad.
What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat? Banned from the petting zoo!
A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation, and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.
On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going, he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.
The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day, you could have said that she died from complications."
The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down..."
Why did the snail paint a big "S" on his car?
Because he wanted people to say look at that S-car go when he rolled by.
Three men are traveling through the desert when their single camel dies. They walk for a while, but then it becomes night. Desperate for shelter, they suddenly stumble across a tent, and inside are three beautiful women. The men were not only lost but horny, too, so they begin to have sex with the women. But the tent belongs to a prince, and these three women were his wives, so he is very angry when he arrives an hour later and sees three strangers having sex with his wives. He tells the three men he will chop off their penises as punishment, in some way relating to their job. He asks the first man what his job is:
The guy says, "I'm a fireman."
The prince says, "Then we'll burn your dick off!"
The second guy says, "I'm an employee at the shooting range."
The prince says, "Then we'll shoot your dick off!"
The third guy smiles and says, "I'm a lollipop salesman."
What happens when an emo kid tries to high-five you? You leave him hanging.
I don't always roll a joint, but when I do, it's my ankle.
I saw a beautiful homeless girl and asked if I could take her out on a date. She politely accepted and enjoyed herself. Soon after, I asked if I could take her home, she smiled and nodded her head. Her smile disappeared when she saw me running away with her cardboard box.
What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?
A meltdown.
Why do short people laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
What's the difference between a baby and an onion? I cry when I cut up onions.
What do you get when King Kong steps on Batman and Robin?
Flatman and Ribbon.
A man walks into a magic forest, when he stumbles upon a talking tree and tries to cut it down. The tree says, "You can't cut me down, I'm a talking tree!" The man replies, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
Do you know what you first feel when you shoot someone?
The recoil.
What do you say when you see your TV floating away at night?
"Drop it, Jamal!"
When you push your grandma out of her wheelchair and steal it.
“They see me rollin’, they hatin’.”