When jokes

When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.

10 Fun Facts.

1. You can't wash your eyes with soap. 2. You can't count your hair. 3. You can't breathe through your nose with your tongue out. 4. You just tried number 3. 5. When you did number 3, you realized it's possible, only you look like a dog. 6. You're smiling right now because you were fooled. 7. You skipped number 5. 8. You just checked to see if there is a number 5. 9. Share this with your friends to have some fun too :-)

When me and my friend went to the market, my friend tried to scan my arm, and I asked her what she was doing. She answered, "Oh, I had to buy you so I don't steal you."

When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."

The only time you see a depressed person lifted up is when they hang themselves.

My pencil sharpener when I bleed:

And I don't really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.

I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.

You're so ugly, when a pig saw you, it thought that you were their family member.

When the school shooter leaves your classroom and the autistic kid’s sketchers light up.

I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight. One recess we met together on the playground, and she brought me to the corner of the playground. That was my first kiss, and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police, and they arrested my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson.

What do you get when you cross a road with a stalker?

Raped.

What did the football coach say when he went to the bank?

-"I want my quarterback."

What does a cow say when he remembers something?

"I have deja moo!"

When you go to an orphanage for a field trip: When the workers said, "I remember you as a kid."

When I grow up, I wanna be like Lil Peep... Dead.

I asked my wife if I could use toys during sex last night. You should've seen her face when I rolled my Hot Wheels across her tits.

What's the difference between an asshole and a freezer?

The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

Have you ever noticed when a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "congrats," but none of them touch the man's penis and say "well done?"

What happens when a clock is hungry?

It goes back four seconds.

What did the sex offender frog say to the other sex offender frog when a hot frog passed them?

Rrrrrapeit!