When jokes

When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."

The only time you see a depressed person lifted up is when they hang themselves.

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? You slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.

My pencil sharpener when I bleed:

And I don't really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.

You're so ugly, when a pig saw you, it thought that you were their family member.

How do women make you a millionaire?

When you're a billionaire.

When the school shooter leaves your classroom and the autistic kid’s sketchers light up.

I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight. One recess we met together on the playground, and she brought me to the corner of the playground. That was my first kiss, and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police, and they arrested my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson.

What did the football coach say when he went to the bank?

-"I want my quarterback."

What does a cow say when he remembers something?

"I have deja moo!"

When you go to an orphanage for a field trip: When the workers said, "I remember you as a kid."

When I grow up, I wanna be like Lil Peep... Dead.

What do you get when you cross a road with a stalker?

Raped.

Have you ever noticed when a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "congrats," but none of them touch the man's penis and say "well done?"

What's the difference between an asshole and a freezer?

The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he's drinking a magical drink. He asks, "What's so magical about it?" The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.

The bartender shakes his head and says, "Y'know, you're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

When me and my friend went to the market, my friend tried to scan my arm, and I asked her what she was doing. She answered, "Oh, I had to buy you so I don't steal you."

Once I went to watch a match in Portugal. It was between Penaldo and his kids. The referee was Georgiana (his wife). Mpaypal and Igayspeed were also there. The match began, and his kids scored two goals in the first 10 minutes. Then, when the match was about to end, Penaldo got angry and asked his wife for penalties. His wife declined, and he tortured and beat her up and took 10 penalties (missed 7 of them) but won 3-2. Shame on you, Penaldo! 😡😡😡

Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.

What happens when a clock is hungry?

It goes back four seconds.