When jokes

When your girl is sucking your dick and chokes on it, not because it’s big but because you haven’t washed it in weeks.

I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.

Yo mama so fat, when she fell, I didn't laugh, but the concrete laughed up.

What does Jesus do when he gets nervous? He bites his nails.

GF: What did you use as kissing when you were little?

Me: My sister.

SWEET HOME ALABAMAA

A father is talking to his three kids.

Kid 1: Why is my name Rose?

Dad: Because when you were a kid, a rose fell on your head.

Kid 2: Why is my name Lily?

Dad: Because a lily fell on your head when you were a baby.

Kid 3: Auughhghhhggghhh!

Dad: Oh hey, Brick.

Karien: Mom, I don't care if you're dating a new guy, I want you and Dad to be together!

Daiana: Sometimes things don't work out, like when it didn't work between your father and me. Time to move on, Karien.

Karien: Well I'm not moving on! I can't believe you love someone else!

Daiana: Karien, just give him a chance. His name is Derek, he loves cooking, cleaning, and anything that has you doing something.

Karien: That is so boring!

Daiana: Well just work with me please?

Karien: I'll give you a day... 24 hours, Mom!

What do you get when you get yourself a deer with no eyes?

You get no-eye-deer.

Boy: *scares girl*

Girl: "Gosh, you scared me, Jesus!"

Jesus: *Arrives out of nowhere and said, "What is it, human? I got work to do."*

Girl: What work?

Jesus: "Coming out of nowhere when people say 'Jesus.'"

What do a bullet and a police officer have in common?

When a bullet kills someone, it gets fired.

Yo mama so fat, when she put on a yellow raincoat people see her and yell "Hey yo, taxi!"

When the grass is bloody, You play in the mud...

When I become a parent, I’m gonna regurgitate my food to feed my children.

It’ll give me an excuse to make out with my daughter.

What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

I was the manager at a McDonald’s in Turin when I saw Penaldo walk in and submit a job application. I asked him to show me his skills and experience, but he just started diving and asking for pens and tap-ins. I was confused until Penaldo told me that’s all he knows how to do.

What does a paedophile say when he gets to heaven?

A: Where's the holy baby?

"Yo mama is so fat that when I buried her, she made the Earth round."

Joe Mama so fat that when Santa came to our house he said, "Ho ho HOLY SHIT, she damn thick."

Why do they call it America when literally nothing is free?

When your brother sends you to go get a box of condoms for his b-day. (* *)