When jokes
How do you catch a polar bear?
Cut a hole in the ice, put peas around it, when the polar bear goes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.
When I go to weddings, old people will tell me I'm next, but when I go to funerals, I tell old people they're next.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew.
What do you get when you mix Harry Houdini, a basketball, and the 17th president?
Magic Johnson.
What did the fish say when seeing his best mate?
"I sea him!"
What do you call it when you're dead because of that one drink in Panera Bread? Panera dead.
Your hairline is running away faster than when your dad went to get milk, and that’s saying something.
Why can orphans stay out until whatever time?
Because their parents won't tell them when to come home.
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex. Guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted to watch.
22. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
24. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
31. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.
When your girl is sucking your dick and chokes on it, not because it’s big but because you haven’t washed it in weeks.
What does Jesus do when he gets nervous? He bites his nails.
I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.
Yo mama so fat, when she fell, I didn't laugh, but the concrete laughed up.
A father is talking to his three kids.
Kid 1: Why is my name Rose?
Dad: Because when you were a kid, a rose fell on your head.
Kid 2: Why is my name Lily?
Dad: Because a lily fell on your head when you were a baby.
Kid 3: Auughhghhhggghhh!
Dad: Oh hey, Brick.
Karien: Mom, I don't care if you're dating a new guy, I want you and Dad to be together!
Daiana: Sometimes things don't work out, like when it didn't work between your father and me. Time to move on, Karien.
Karien: Well I'm not moving on! I can't believe you love someone else!
Daiana: Karien, just give him a chance. His name is Derek, he loves cooking, cleaning, and anything that has you doing something.
Karien: That is so boring!
Daiana: Well just work with me please?
Karien: I'll give you a day... 24 hours, Mom!
I was the manager at a McDonald’s in Turin when I saw Penaldo walk in and submit a job application. I asked him to show me his skills and experience, but he just started diving and asking for pens and tap-ins. I was confused until Penaldo told me that’s all he knows how to do.
Boy: *scares girl*
Girl: "Gosh, you scared me, Jesus!"
Jesus: *Arrives out of nowhere and said, "What is it, human? I got work to do."*
Girl: What work?
Jesus: "Coming out of nowhere when people say 'Jesus.'"
What do a bullet and a police officer have in common?
When a bullet kills someone, it gets fired.
What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine!