When jokes
GF: What did you use as kissing when you were little?
Me: My sister.
SWEET HOME ALABAMAA
A father is talking to his three kids.
Kid 1: Why is my name Rose?
Dad: Because when you were a kid, a rose fell on your head.
Kid 2: Why is my name Lily?
Dad: Because a lily fell on your head when you were a baby.
Kid 3: Auughhghhhggghhh!
Dad: Oh hey, Brick.
Karien: Mom, I don't care if you're dating a new guy, I want you and Dad to be together!
Daiana: Sometimes things don't work out, like when it didn't work between your father and me. Time to move on, Karien.
Karien: Well I'm not moving on! I can't believe you love someone else!
Daiana: Karien, just give him a chance. His name is Derek, he loves cooking, cleaning, and anything that has you doing something.
Karien: That is so boring!
Daiana: Well just work with me please?
Karien: I'll give you a day... 24 hours, Mom!
I was the manager at a McDonald’s in Turin when I saw Penaldo walk in and submit a job application. I asked him to show me his skills and experience, but he just started diving and asking for pens and tap-ins. I was confused until Penaldo told me that’s all he knows how to do.
Boy: *scares girl*
Girl: "Gosh, you scared me, Jesus!"
Jesus: *Arrives out of nowhere and said, "What is it, human? I got work to do."*
Girl: What work?
Jesus: "Coming out of nowhere when people say 'Jesus.'"
Memes
When you've crashed into a car, but it wasn't just any car...it was John Wicks car.
Yo mama so fat, when she put on a yellow raincoat people see her and yell "Hey yo, taxi!"
What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
When I become a parent, I’m gonna regurgitate my food to feed my children.
It’ll give me an excuse to make out with my daughter.
When the grass is bloody, You play in the mud...
What do you get when you get yourself a deer with no eyes?
You get no-eye-deer.
Don't be sad if you miss a shot when you yell "Kobe." He didn't make it either.
Joe Mama so fat that when Santa came to our house he said, "Ho ho HOLY SHIT, she damn thick."
When your brother sends you to go get a box of condoms for his b-day. (* *)
Yo mama so fat, when she landed on the earth, the earth cracked like eggs. LOL.
A girl walks in the room. She asks her mom, "Why's my name Flower?" Her mom said, "When you were born, a flower fell on your head." Brick walks in the room. Jasvidnqzkdvsosbd.
Why do they call it America when literally nothing is free?
How do you know when Kobe Bryant is famous?
His face was chiseled in a mountain.
If white people turn black when they char, what happens to the black ones?
Yo momma is so fat, when she caught the flesh-eating bacteria, it gave up!
What do astronauts 👩🚀 do when they’re on break?
They eat launch. 🚀🥪