When jokes

A man asked another man if he was happy with his marriage. He replied, "Yes, I'm very happy. We go on date night every week." The other man asked, "When?" He goes on Wednesday and I go on Thursday.

When the emo kid is about to hang himself in the school bathroom, and the autistic kid starts swinging the rope like Indiana Jones!

Don't you hate it when you do the dishes, but then you realize it wasn't the dishes?

What did the cops do when 600 hares escaped the zoo?

The cops had to comb the area.

I hate my birthday. For my first birthday my mom gave me my life. I liked it when it was new and fun. Now it's broken and sad and I wanna take it back.

What do you call it when you drop a bottle of food dye?

"It's dye-ing."

My sister and I were hanging out when she opened her drawer and pulled out 3 condoms and said, "Pick one."

What time is it when your kids stay home from school? S'no time!

I did a walk today, but I had a walk home from a walk. Walk today, but it when.

When I go to weddings, old people will tell me I'm next, but when I go to funerals, I tell old people they're next.

What sound does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew.

How do you catch a polar bear?

Cut a hole in the ice, put peas around it, when the polar bear goes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

I murdered my friend's brother because he kept saying "HEE HEE" like Michael Jackson when I was trying to have a serious conversation. I just found out he was disabled. That's a THRILLER.

Yo mama so ugly, when she looks in a mirror, it says, "Viewer discretion advised!"

What's the difference between a prostitute and a Democrat? A Democrat will keep screwing you when you run out of money.

22. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

24. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

31. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.

When your girl is sucking your dick and chokes on it, not because it’s big but because you haven’t washed it in weeks.

I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.

What does Jesus do when he gets nervous? He bites his nails.

Yo mama so fat, when she fell, I didn't laugh, but the concrete laughed up.