When jokes

What did the fish say when seeing his best mate?

"I sea him!"

What did the cops do when 600 hares escaped the zoo?

The cops had to comb the area.

I hate my birthday. For my first birthday my mom gave me my life. I liked it when it was new and fun. Now it's broken and sad and I wanna take it back.

Don't you hate it when you do the dishes, but then you realize it wasn't the dishes?

What time is it when your kids stay home from school? S'no time!

What sound does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew.

How do you catch a polar bear?

Cut a hole in the ice, put peas around it, when the polar bear goes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

What do you call it when you're dead because of that one drink in Panera Bread? Panera dead.

What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street? Traffic jam.

What did the priest say when he walked into an elementary school?

Let us prey.

22. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

24. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

31. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.

When your girl is sucking your dick and chokes on it, not because it’s big but because you haven’t washed it in weeks.

What does Jesus do when he gets nervous? He bites his nails.

Yo mama so fat, when she fell, I didn't laugh, but the concrete laughed up.

I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.

A father is talking to his three kids.

Kid 1: Why is my name Rose?

Dad: Because when you were a kid, a rose fell on your head.

Kid 2: Why is my name Lily?

Dad: Because a lily fell on your head when you were a baby.

Kid 3: Auughhghhhggghhh!

Dad: Oh hey, Brick.

GF: What did you use as kissing when you were little?

Me: My sister.

SWEET HOME ALABAMAA

Karien: Mom, I don't care if you're dating a new guy, I want you and Dad to be together!

Daiana: Sometimes things don't work out, like when it didn't work between your father and me. Time to move on, Karien.

Karien: Well I'm not moving on! I can't believe you love someone else!

Daiana: Karien, just give him a chance. His name is Derek, he loves cooking, cleaning, and anything that has you doing something.

Karien: That is so boring!

Daiana: Well just work with me please?

Karien: I'll give you a day... 24 hours, Mom!

What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

When the grass is bloody, You play in the mud...