When jokes

What does a baby in a blender look like? I don’t know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.

Yo mama so fat that when she looks into a mirror, it always shatters, because her weight could be felt all around.

What did scientists prove when they saw a skeleton on the moon?

The cow didn’t make it.

What did Lucy say when she saw her sonogram?

"Looks like a rerun."

What do you call a Japanese person when their knees are cured?

"Happynese" (happy knees).

What do you not want to do when it comes to giving an emo a job?

Showing them the ropes.

When I was 14, my mum caught me wanking, and she slapped me across the face. A couple weeks later, my dad caught me having a beer, and he made me drink 40 beers. I just thought, "Well, I'm glad he didn't catch me wanking."

When a redhead commits a mass shooting, does the headline read, "Ginger snaps"?

A young girl was playing in the park with her mother when she asked the question, "Mummy, what's that building over there?" The mother looked at the prison, smiled, and said, "That's where the cotton pickers live."

I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."

"But why?" I replied.

"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.

"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.

What do people have a shot at when it comes to love? Shooting them in the heart.

A little boy got the homework that he had to learn the four first letters of the alphabet. He went to his mother, who was knitting and had hurt herself. He asked her what the first letter of the alphabet was, and she said a swear word. He went to his brother, who was playing with a Superman, and asked what the second letter of the alphabet was, and he answered "SUPERMAN!!!". Then he went to his little sister, and asked what the third letter of the alphabet was, and given the fact that she was playing with Barbies, she said, "in the Barbie Dream House!" Then he went to his father who was watching a soccer game, and his team just scored, so when he asked what the fourth letter of the alphabet was, he said, "Olé Olé Olé!!!". The next day at school, the teacher asked the little boy what the first four letters of the alphabet were. He said the swear word. "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOUNG MAN!!!", the teacher boomed. "Superman", the boy replied. "WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!?!?!", the teacher continued. "In the Barbie Dream House" "GO TO THE PRINCIPALS OFFICE!!!" "OLÉ OLÉ OLÉ OLÉ!", the boy chanted on his was down the hall.

What did the lion say to the lion tamer? Nothing, because when the lion tamer whipped the lion, the lion killed him.

So, I was sitting with my little brother and talking about our dreams. "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" I asked him. He answered, "A doctor!" I wanted to tease him so I said, "I wouldn't be treated by a doctor like you." I was hoping he would get mad or something, but instead, he calmly replied, "Brother, I said doctor. Not a vet."

Yo mama so fat, when she play a game, everybody lags.

Q: How do you know when an Asian broke into your house?

A: You can't find your dog.

Yo mama's so fat, when she sat down there was a big earthquake.

What time is it when dogs get hurt?

Time to take your dog to the vet!

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count? When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

Your mama so fat, when she asked for a water bed they put a blanket over the Pacific Ocean.