When jokes

When fat people sit down at a restaurant, and you listen closely, you can hear the chair screaming.

A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, "Don't go into that church you dumb bitch!"

Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"

"Our wedding video."

What's Michael Jackson's favorite thing to do when nobody's home?

Beat it.

When I cut vegetables for my famous stew, I don’t know why everyone in the nursing home is always looking at me.

Q. What do you get when you cross a mentally disabled person with a pedophile? A. Jeffy Epstein.

There are 206 bones in my body.

When I look at you, it becomes 207.

Yo mama is so fat, when she saw the Titanic, she called it small.

What's the difference between Derek Boogaard and Kurt Cobain? Nothing, they were both fucked in the brain when they died.

One man's trash is another man's treasure. That sucks when you are adopted.

What did the bull say to his son when he was going to school? "Bison!"

What time is it when you get home, can you walk home and walk?

So, I took a poop outside. When I was done, I wiped and got it on my finger. After that, I had Nutella, and I thought the poop on my hand was Nutella, and I licked it. I said, "Daddy chill, what in the heck is this crap?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it goes to get the milk yet never comes back.

Miss you dad.

So, I was in the church the other day, raping this woman, when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!' I said, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

What did the sand say when it got into a fight with the ocean?

"Oh my God, you're such a beach!"

Where do bunnies go when they're sick?

The hoppital.

What turns a girl on more than having sex with her?

When she finds out that you have a vibrator too.

"Luck of the Irish my ass, I just blew a tranny and an engine in my truck both in the same week... Boy it really ruined my day when they found out about each other."

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his gaze is blank. The other hunter grabs his phone and calls emergency services: "My friend is dead! What do I do?"

The emergency dispatcher replies: "Calm down. I can help you. First, make sure he's really dead."

Silence on the other end, then a gunshot. Back on the phone, the hunter asks: "Okay, now what?"