When jokes

What time is it when you get home and you walk, walk home and walk, walk home?

What did the man say when he swallowed a clock and tried to go to the bathroom?

WATCH OUT!!!

What time do terrorists arrive in New York City?

9:11 AM

Ok guys, I have one last joke (for now).

What do you call it when Panera is over?

Panera end.

What does an electric-type Pokémon say when they get gassy while drinking milk?

I’m Zaptos intolerant!

A husband came back from a business trip and found out that his wife was pregnant. At first, he got a bit suspicious, but then he just ignored it and hugged his wife with happiness. The second when he met his friend and told him the news, the friend just said, "Wait, what? I thought she was on pills!"

What is the difference between a male prostitute who is a Democrat and a male prostitute who is a Republican?

When Republicans perform fellatio for money, it is called prostitution, but when Democrats perform fellatio for money, it is called a donation to their political campaign.

What do you get when you put a baby in a box of razor blades and throw it down the stairs?

An erection!

I went to the pharmacy the other day. I tried to buy a pack of condoms, but I pretended I didn't have enough money to mess with the cashier.

I went back into the aisles of the store, got a pack of rubber bands and plastic wrap, bought them, and walked out. I loved the look on the cashier's face when they saw my decision.

So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.

I was walking down the street when I saw my ex-girlfriend, so I fucked her. Turns out it was her identical twins that she never told me about.

And I decided to confront her. So I did the next time I saw her, but this time it was her identical triplet. There are 3 of them...

AND SHE NEVER BROUGHT THAT UP IN THE 7 YEARS I WAS DATING HER!

What happened when the American broke his arm?

He went broke.

Why is Stephen Hawking a bad influence on children?

Because he only looks one way when crossing the road.

What's the difference between a porn star and a mosquito?

One stops sucking when you smack it.

When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.

Your mama so ugly, when Santa Claus came to her house and saw her, he said, "HO HO HOLY SHIT THAT'S ONE UGLY BITCH!"

Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.

The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.

"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.

The driver leans over to the other priest, and they whisper between themselves.

Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it."

When Little Johnny was about 3, he got curious and stuck his hand up a mannequin's pants. His mom says, "No, Little Johnny, there are teeth up there that will bite off your hand." Little Johnny thinks, "Oh no, I can't do that again."

A few years later, he was 15 and he had a girlfriend, and they were making out. She says, "Why don't you ever stick your hand up my pants?" He says, "Oh no, my mom says there are teeth that will bite off my hand up there." She says, "No, there isn't, just look!" Little Johnny looks and says, "Well, no wonder there ain't no teeth. By the way, them gums look..."

What did Nicki Minaj say when she sat next to a bomb?

"Bang bang right through the roof. Bang bang all over you."

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”