When jokes
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone!
Kid with Cancer: "When I get older, I want to be a movie star or a singer."
Nurse: *Laughs*
Kid: "Why are you laughing?"
Nurse: "When I get OLDER."
Proceeds to laugh.
When you're walking through the garden section at Walmart and you hear your grandpa screaming, "They're in the fucking trees!"
When your grandma says she's rusty but still manages to teach you.
A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him. Everyone else in the room stops to listen:
Man: Hello? Woman: Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman: I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000. Man: Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market... they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man: I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman: OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man: I love you to.
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
The man turns around and says: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
People say, "I like your cut G." Which is when you get a fresh cut. But I guess when you go bald, we can say, "Like your forehead, G."
I know it's really, really, really, really bad.
That moment when you have to ask your Chinese neighbor if he's seen your cat.
8008135 is my favorite number.
The worst ratio is 6:9.
And last but not least, "Why was six afraid of seven?" Seven eight nine. But why was six with nine? Because when you put them together, you get 69. But why was six mad at nine? Because Nine eight six, too.
When fat people sit down at a restaurant, and you listen closely, you can hear the chair screaming.
There are 206 bones in my body.
When I look at you, it becomes 207.
A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, "Don't go into that church you dumb bitch!"
Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"
"Our wedding video."
What's the difference between Derek Boogaard and Kurt Cobain? Nothing, they were both fucked in the brain when they died.
When I cut vegetables for my famous stew, I don’t know why everyone in the nursing home is always looking at me.
Q. What do you get when you cross a mentally disabled person with a pedophile? A. Jeffy Epstein.
What's Michael Jackson's favorite thing to do when nobody's home?
Beat it.
One man's trash is another man's treasure. That sucks when you are adopted.
Yo mama is so fat, when she saw the Titanic, she called it small.
You're so fat, when you went on the scale it said "to be continued."
What do depressed people do when they’re bored?
They “Hang” Out.
Hello! I hope you're having a good day or night! Mind commenting when you laughed the hardest and why? Like if you like this post!