When jokes
Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced, "Please prepare for a crash landing."
The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this, the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady replied, "Well, when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first." The second lady, not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first." The third lady who was African, not wanting to be outdone, took off her pants and panties. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, they always search for the black box first."
When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.
Yo hairline is so long, when you looked in a mirror you saw an entire endangered species.
When I bring someone breakfast in bed, I want to hear a thank you. And no, “What are you doing in my house?”
When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.
"Dude, can you believe Republicans are opposed to homosexuality, women's rights, and immigration, yet they are silent when it comes to incest and child molestation?"
"Well, I'm not surprised. Republicans have to win the Alabama vote, or else."
Ms. Smith: Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze, and I would stay like that.
Little Johnny: Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.
My daughter has been writing letters asking Satan for gifts. Imagine my shock when I realized she has dyslexia.
A guy on a bus saw a beautiful girl. He asked for her number, and of course, she said no. He asked the bus driver for advice, and he said, "That girl goes to the cemetery to pray every day at 10 p.m. and look for a statue of an angel." So he dresses up as God, goes to the grave, and she sees him. She says, "Oh, Lord, end my misery! Kill me now!" And he said, "Only if you do something for me first." She replied, "What is it, oh mighty Lord?" He said, "Have sex with me." She agreed. They had sex, and when she was done sucking his dick, he said, "I have something to tell you." He took off his costume and said, "I'm the guy from the bus." And she took off her costume: "I'm the bus driver."
(Does anyone remember this? It's an old joke someone made, or does no one remember this? I didn't make this, but it went smth like this)
Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile to your face.
For instance, when you push them down the stairs.
When you got on an airplane, the flight attendant asked which hairline you were flying with.
What do you call it when Panera Bread decapitates someone?
Panera Behead.
What do you call it when someone lies to Panera Bread?
Panera misled.
What do you call it when you choose Panera Bread over something else?
Panera instead.
What do you call it when Panera Bread commits genocide?
Panera bloodshed.
What do you call it when Panera Bread goes to space?
Good question.
Kelly Clarkson may be able to shed her weight [through pills], but she will never be able to shed the fact that she admitted herself that she molested her children when they were toddlers.
What do you get when you cross a butt with a phone?
A booty call.
What did the booty say when it was asked to help?
"I've got your backside covered!"
I remember my first day back when working at a camp. I was so surprised when the trains arrived.