When jokes
What do we want?!
A cure for Tourette's!!
When do we want it?!
Cunt!!!
There are 206 bones in the human body.
207 when I'm at a nursery.
How do you know when a fat person stops eating? You read about it in the obituary.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.
Q. What's the best part of living in Alabama?
A. Not having to change your last name when you get married.
Has anyone else ever been jealous when their laptop dies?
What do you call it when someone fucks shoe inserts?
Orthopediphilia.
What did God say when he made the first woman?
"Where is your dick at?"
Theory is when you know everything but nothing works.
Practice is when everything works but no one knows why.
In our lab, theory and practice are combined: Nothing works and no one knows why.
What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?
And microtransaction.
What do you do when a woman is choking?
Back up a couple inches.
I told my mom, "Do you want to see a magic trick?" She said yes. I said, "You are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." My mom said, "No, I'm not," but I told my mom, "I'm going to need your assistance." First, I need you to lick and suck on my hot dog that is attached to me, which she did. The next minute my mom has a cream pie over her face. Then I told my mom, "You see, you are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." Then my mom said, "When you are right, you are right."
Are you a blanket? Because I love it when you’re on top of me.
Your mom's been giving me attitude lately, so I told her to shut her mouth. When she did, it caused me to lose 4 inches.
What does a white person say when they're surrounded by black guys? "Hey, who turned the lights out?!"
Roses or daisies? Now I know what flowers to put on your casket when I murder that pussy.
Are you a haunted house? Because I’m going to scream when I’m in you! 😫
What do two priests say to each other when they walk into an orphanage?
"Let us pray."
One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.
He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.
So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"