Little Johnny

No Honey for a month

Little Johnny was playing outside and steps on a honeybee, his dad sees this and says “i saw what you did and for that, you get no honey for two weeks.” Johnny replies “i don’t care, i don’t like honey anyway.” About fifteen minutes later little Johnny is playing with the butterflies and rips the wings off of one. His dad bursts out and says " i saw that, and for it you get no butter for a month." Little johnny replies “I don’t care, i don’t like butter anyway.” Both little johnny and his dad go in for dinner, johnny’s mother sees a cockroach on the ground and steps on it. little johnny looks and smiles and says “do you want to tell her or should i?”

Wife

Death&Decay

A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, “her life.”

Redneck

Red Neck Idiot

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the redneck’s house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The red neck replied that it wasn’t easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and, wanted to let him go.

Difference

oof

What is the difference in having a granny fetish and necrophilia? A few weeks.

4

Baby

Baby

What’s red and sits in the corner? A baby chewing on a razor blade.

What’s green and sits in the corner? Same baby, one week later.

3

Puns

Anonymous

I tried to find my watch I lost last week but I didn’t have the time

Face

Done

When I was 14 my mum caught me wanking and she slapped me across the face a couple weeks later my dad caught me having a beer and he made me drink 40 beers and I just thought we’ll I’m glad he didn’t catch me wanking

Sound

Anonymous

When you are suicidal comedic relief sometimes helps. These jokes sometimes help you realize how many more people feel the way you do and how ridiculous it sounds sometimes.

But joke time…

I’m giving in my two week resignation to life… it’s not you … it’s me!!!

Bad

Anonymous

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?" Man: "Yes!" Reporter: "Name?" Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim." Reporter: "Sex?" Man: "Three to five times a week." Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?" Man: "Yes, male, female… sometimes camel." Reporter: "Holy cow!" Man: "Yes, cow, sheep… animals in general." Reporter: "But isn’t that hostile?" Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style." Reporter: "Oh dear!" Man: “No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch.”

1

Baby

AND I OOP

My mom asked my doctor, "Why is my unvaccinated baby crying?" The doctor replied, "He’s going through a Mid-life Crisis

Girlfriend

Anonymous

Guy walks to his friends house his friend says “where is your girlfriend” guy says meet me at the cemetery in a week you’ll find out

Read

Anonymous

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. Next week he told me it was the most violent book he ever read

0

Chicken

Anonymous

What is a chicken’s favorite day of the week? Fri day.

Sunday

Daniel King

Why is Sunday better than Monday?

Because Monday is a weak day.

Cow

Mr. Steak

What does a news anchor cow say for the weekly broadcast? “Here’s the beef of the week!”

Shooting

Anonymous

Teachers at a school shooting be like: damn it. Thats the third one this week and its only monday

Disappearance

Anonymous Person xP

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, “uno, dos…” poof … He disappeared without a tres. XD

Country

Anonymous

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags „We have nuclear submarines which can stay under water for six weeks without having to resurface!“. Trump goes on „Six weeks? That’s nothing. I have the best submarines, they‘re underwater für at least three months!“. Merkel is about to respond, when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - „Heil Hitler! We need Diesel.“

5

Sister

Anonymous

A woman’s husband has a yearly conference. The first night he’s away from home, their teenage son Tommy comes into their room at night and starts to make love to her, but she knows that it can be dangerous to wake a sleepwalker, so she doesn’t say anything. He does this every night for two weeks and stops when his father comes home. She realizes she’s pregnant, and has a baby boy.

The next year the same thing happens, she gets pregnant again, and has a baby girl.

The third year, she’s feelling very guilty, and after thirteen nights of incredible passionate lovemaking she sits Tommy down and tells him, “Every time your father leaves town on business, you sleepwalk into my bedroom and make love to me. Bobby and Anna aren’t just your brother and sister, you’re their father1”

Tommy said “You think I was sleepwalking?”

Doctor

Anonymous

So a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: “I’m sorry, you only have ten left.” The other man smiles nervously and asks, “T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him. “Nine.”