I got my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He came back a week later and said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.
What’s the difference between a good TV show and a gay man?
One makes your day and one make your whole week.
A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck’s house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.
The red neck replied that it wasn’t easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and, wanted to let him go.
Little Johnny was playing outside and steps on a honeybee, his dad sees this and says “i saw what you did and for that, you get no honey for two weeks.” Johnny replies “i don’t care, i don’t like honey anyway.” About fifteen minutes later little Johnny is playing with the butterflies and rips the wings off of one. His dad bursts out and says " i saw that, and for it you get no butter for a month." Little johnny replies “I don’t care, i don’t like butter anyway.” Both little johnny and his dad go in for dinner, johnny’s mother sees a cockroach on the ground and steps on it. little johnny looks and smiles and says “do you want to tell her or should i?”
What’s red and in a corner ? A baby with a razor blade What’s green and in a corner ? The same baby three weeks later
When I was 14 my mum caught me wanking and she slapped me across the face a couple weeks later my dad caught me having a beer and he made me drink 40 beers and I just thought we’ll I’m glad he didn’t catch me wanking
What is the difference in having a granny fetish and necrophilia? A few weeks.
Joe Biden’s speeches are so motivational. In fact, I have been stuck at home these past few weeks, and his well articulated words were enough for me to muster up the courage to jump off of a 10 story building.
What’s red and sits in the corner? A baby chewing on a razor blade.
What’s green and sits in the corner? Same baby, one week later.
A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, “her life.”
I tried to find my watch I lost last week but I didn’t have the time
When you are suicidal comedic relief sometimes helps. These jokes sometimes help you realize how many more people feel the way you do and how ridiculous it sounds sometimes.
But joke time…
I’m giving in my two week resignation to life… it’s not you … it’s me!!!
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?" Man: "Yes!" Reporter: "Name?" Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim." Reporter: "Sex?" Man: "Three to five times a week." Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?" Man: "Yes, male, female… sometimes camel." Reporter: "Holy cow!" Man: "Yes, cow, sheep… animals in general." Reporter: "But isn’t that hostile?" Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style." Reporter: "Oh dear!" Man: “No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch.”
I have an exam next week so I called my ex and asked if she had any cheating tips
My mom asked my doctor, "Why is my unvaccinated baby crying?" The doctor replied, "He’s going through a Mid-life Crisis
Guy walks to his friends house his friend says “where is your girlfriend” guy says meet me at the cemetery in a week you’ll find out
I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. Next week he told me it was the most violent book he ever read
What is a chicken’s favorite day of the week? Fri day.
Why is Sunday better than Monday?
Because Monday is a weak day.
What does a news anchor cow say for the weekly broadcast? “Here’s the beef of the week!”