My mom asked my doctor, "Why is my unvaccinated baby crying?" The doctor replied, "He's going through a Mid-life Crisis
A man asked another man if he was happy with his marriage, he replied," Yes I'm very happy. We go on date night every week. The other man asked when? She goes on wednesday and I go on thursday
A week before Christmas my wife left me, she said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore. On Christmas eve Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "all I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world." On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.
I have a the best life coach ever, because he taught to not care. He did it so well that he died last week, and I still don’t care.
Type this in your calculator: 5 days a week (type in 5), 6 different classes (type in 6), 7 hours a day (type in 7), x 2 semesters (type in 2), = flip the calculator over ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)
I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. -- I didn't want to interrupt her.
My cousin died last week he needed a blood transfusion but we didnt know his blood type he just kept saying "b positive b positive" but its hard to be positive with him gone
Why is Sunday better than Monday?
Because Monday is a weak day.
One day a father and a daughter were at a park. The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, "Just because you killed the butterfly, you don't get butter for a week." They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, "Nice try."
I would like to dedicate this song to a friend of mine, who was run over last week and is in hospital.
The wheels on the bus go round and round!
What is the difference in having a granny fetish and necrophilia? A few weeks.
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
We need more women in the military! They can bleed for weeks and still not die!
I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight, one recess we met together on the playground and she brought me to the corner of the playground, that was my first kiss and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police and they aressted my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson
I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. Next week he told me it was the most violent book he ever read
Joe Biden’s speeches are so motivational. In fact, I have been stuck at home these past few weeks, and his well articulated words were enough for me to muster up the courage to jump off of a 10 story building.
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
One day, a priest is walking down the street and sees a little girl with a box. "What's in the box?", the priest asks. "Christian kittens", the little girl answers. Pleased, the priest smiles and continues on his way. A week later, the same priest is walking down the street with a nun when he sees the little girl and the box again. "Ask her what she has in the box", he says, "It's the cutest thing!" The nun walks up and asks the girl what she has in the box. "Atheist kittens", she says. The priest rushes forward and says "ATHEIST KITTENS!!! Last week you said they were "Christian kittens!!!" "They were", she says. "Now their eyes are open".
Teachers at a school shooting be like: damn it. Thats the third one this week and its only monday
A woman's husband has a yearly conference. The first night he's away from home, their teenage son Tommy comes into their room at night and starts to make love to her, but she knows that it can be dangerous to wake a sleepwalker, so she doesn't say anything. He does this every night for two weeks and stops when his father comes home. She realizes she's pregnant, and has a baby boy.
The next year the same thing happens, she gets pregnant again, and has a baby girl.
The third year, she's feelling very guilty, and after thirteen nights of incredible passionate lovemaking she sits Tommy down and tells him, "Every time your father leaves town on business, you sleepwalk into my bedroom and make love to me. Bobby and Anna aren't just your brother and sister, you're their father1"
Tommy said "You think I was sleepwalking?"
