Week Jokes

A news headline read: A toddler has shot a person every week in the US for two years straight He was in the infantry

I can't believe I got fired at the calender factory. I mean... All I did was take a day off!

My mom asked my doctor, "Why is my unvaccinated baby crying?" The doctor replied, "He's going through a Mid-life Crisis

A man asked another man if he was happy with his marriage, he replied," Yes I'm very happy. We go on date night every week. The other man asked when? She goes on wednesday and I go on thursday

Last week a girl asked me for sex. I had to disappoint her... so I said yes.

Dads secretary left her position, he tole me I could take it if I want it. He also told me the job pays well but there is a lot to catch up on. He kept me under the pump all week.

I tried to find my watch I lost last week but I didn't have the time

Did y’all hear about the increasing divorce rate because people are addicted to Fortnite? They’re just two week to quit.

One day a father and a daughter were at a park. The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, "Just because you killed the butterfly, you don't get butter for a week." They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, "Nice try."

Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning and his dad was making alot of mistakes. Suddenly his dad screams " bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant and his dad replied " aunts and uncles" Oh. next thing he hears is "dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks " what's that mean?" To which his dad replied " uh coats and hats." Oh next thing he know he sees his dad jumping around the the bathroom yelling " fucking, fuck,fuck,Fuck" " what does that mean dad?" And his dad yells " cut Johnny, it means cut!!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving and the doorbell rings and Johnny answers it and says " Hey bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey.

What is a chicken's favorite day of the week? Fri day.

Guy walks to his friends house his friend says “where is your girlfriend” guy says meet me at the cemetery in a week

I went home to my girlfriend, with milk! She said, "Oh thank you honey!"

Then I got a call from a girl named Melissa. She called and said, "Steven, where the hell have you been? It's been two weeks and you still haven't come back yet?"

Type this in your calculator: 5 days a week (type in 5), 6 different classes (type in 6), 7 hours a day (type in 7), x 2 semesters (type in 2), = flip the calculator over ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)

What does a news anchor cow say for the weekly broadcast? "Here's the beef of the week!"

"Welcome to mama mia's pizzeria and abortion clinic, where last weeks lost is this weeks sauce."

My Italian chef friend died last week: He pasta away

I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight, one recess we met together on the playground and she brought me to the corner of the playground, that was my first kiss and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police and they aressted my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson