People always ask what the secret of our families happiness is. It is simple really. 1 Television and computer games are limited to a couple of hours each week. 2. We all give each other a hand when needed. Last but not least we play twister.
Young Couple gets banned from church.
There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.
After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!"So the minister welcomes them to the church.
Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.
Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.
"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me! I took her right there."
"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"
"We understand," says the husband, "We were banned from the grocery store, too."
A cowboy rides into a ranch on Sunday stays three days and leaves on Friday how is this possible
"It's Sunday evening!!!"
"No. It's Monday eve."
Did you just come from a bakery? Because you’ve got the hottest pair of buns I’ve seen all week.
Friend 1: did you? Depressed friend 2: I didn't! Friend one: swear on your life! Depressed friend 2: I swear A week later friend 2 dropped dead to their utter delight
My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.
ALYA I NEED TO TALK TO YOU NOW IF YOU DONT REPLY I WILL KERMIT THE NOT LIVING AND IF YOU DONT THINK I WILL I WILL POST YOUR ONLYFANS PHOTOS I GET EVERY MONTH FOR $5.99 A WEEK ( HIGH PRICE IF YOU ASK ME)
Someone complimented me on my driving last week. They left a note saying, 'Parking Fine'
I lost my job making storage units for the police after a week, guess you could say it was a brief case
Yesterday I purchased a world map And told my wife to throw a dart, and wherever it lands I will take her turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge
When I was recently standing in front of a huge puddle with my buddy, I remembered how he tricked me a week ago. So I tricked him...
Did you hear about the young man who brought floral arrangements in the shape of a life jacket on his friend’s funeral who drowned last week? Everyone was furious but he explained, “It’s what he would have wanted.”
I have to file a complaint against Spotify because I didn’t see you on my hot singles last week
five more days. (this was posted on 9/6)
I was in a wheelchair for a few weeks last month. I went through a super traumatic experience, and I *wheely* hope I made a good *roll* mod
hey siri, skip to friday
Last week I felt so high and mighty I thought I could fly I took one shot puffed through my pipe and jumped in the air on a trampoline I woke up in heaven. I asked an angel how did I die you? "Well little monkey you thought your bed was a trampoline and you hit your head your mom called the doctor and doctor said you were dead.
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
A guy goes in to get some tests done, the doctor comes out and says "I got good news and bad news." The guy says "Ok, let's get the bad news out of the way." The doctor says "The tests cam back positive, you got 2 weeks to live." The guy says, "Oh My God!! Then what the hell is the good news?" Doctor says "You see that nurse over there, the one with the big tits? I'm screwin her."
