Why is Sunday better than Monday?
Because Monday is a weak day.
I have to file a complaint against Spotify because I didn’t see you on my hot singles last week
Did you hear about the young man who brought floral arrangements in the shape of a life jacket on his friend’s funeral who drowned last week? Everyone was furious but he explained, “It’s what he would have wanted.”
When I was recently standing in front of a huge puddle with my buddy, I remembered how he tricked me a week ago. So I tricked him...
five more days. (this was posted on 9/6)
hey siri, skip to friday
"It's Sunday evening!!!"
"No. It's Monday eve."
Did you just come from a bakery? Because you’ve got the hottest pair of buns I’ve seen all week.
Someone complimented me on my driving last week. They left a note saying, 'Parking Fine'
My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.
I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. Next week he told me it was the most violent book he ever read
I was at work and a few fat women came up to me and asked for some help. Later that week I ran into them on the dance floor, one of them asked me if I wanted to dance I told her no, the other asked me if I knew what was cracking, I calmly said the floor.
So a man walks past a gun store and sees all the guns are half of then the man says wow school supplies are low the week
I ought to complain to Spotify for you not being named this week’s hottest single.
what month has 28 days
all of them
Who ever is reading this I hope you have good day because I feel bad your so short
The next time you get a sack call pick up the phone and say “welcome to Pete’s pizzeria and abortion clinic your loss is next weeks sauce how may we help you
A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.
The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and, wanted to let him go.
One day, a priest is walking down the street and sees a little girl with a box. "What's in the box?", the priest asks. "Christian kittens", the little girl answers. Pleased, the priest smiles and continues on his way. A week later, the same priest is walking down the street with a nun when he sees the little girl and the box again. "Ask her what she has in the box", he says, "It's the cutest thing!" The nun walks up and asks the girl what she has in the box. "Atheist kittens", she says. The priest rushes forward and says "ATHEIST KITTENS!!! Last week you said they were "Christian kittens!!!" "They were", she says. "Now their eyes are open".
Most people say I'm a clown. Yet they don't laugh at my jokes. Most people avoid me, because I'm a "clown". Yet I'm not the center of the circus. But I know I'm gonna be a clown forever. Because I can't take this damn mask off, no matter how hard I try.
Weeks later: Finally I found out why I'm being called a clown...because my smiling face is fake...
