New Way Jokes - Page 15 - Worst Jokes Ever

If you want to SH but not in the sell farm way, come ooon.. do you even know what does that means?..

I hope death is a woman. That way, she'll never come for me.

I can tell a joke :)

Twinkle, twinkle, there's a car Coming like a shooting star. I will stand in the way. I will not be seen again. Are you happy I am dead? Now you made it to the end.

We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.

But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.

What can't a Desert Eagle and Barrett do for stealth missions?

They can't be way too loud.

If the longest word in history is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, then it's big cousin would [be] something longer, right?

Nope, something way longer:

BEHO-methionylthreonylthreonylglutaminylalanylprolylthreonylphenylalanylthreonylglutaminylprolylleucylglutaminylserylvalylvalylvalylleucylglutamylglycylserylthreonylalanylthreonylphenylalanylglutamylalanylhistidylisoleucylserylglycylphenylalanylprolylvalylprolylglutamylvalylseryltryptophylphenylalanylarginylaspartylglycylglutaminylvalylisoleucylserylthreonylserylthreonylleucylprolylglycylvalylglutaminylisoleucylserylphenylalanylserylaspartylglycylarginylalanyllysylleucylthreonylisoleucylprolylalanylvalylthreonyllysylalanylasparaginylserylglycylarginyltyrosylserylleucyllysylalanylthreonylasparaginylglycylserylglycylglutaminylalanylthreonylserylthreonylalanylglutamylleucylleucylvalyllysylalanylglutamylthreonylalanylprolylprolylasparaginylphenylalanylvalylglutaminylarginylleucylglutaminylserylmethionylthreonylvalylarginylglutaminylglycylserylglutaminylvalylarginylleucylglutaminylvalylarginylvalylthreonylglycylisoleucylprolylasparaginylprolylvalylvalyllysylphenylalanyltyrosylarginylaspartylglycylalanylglutamylisoleucylglutaminylserylserylleucylaspartylphenylalanylglutaminylisoleucylserylglutaminylglutamylglycylaspartylleucyltyrosylserylleucylleucylisoleucylalanylglutamylalanyltyrosylprolylglutamylaspartylserylglycylthreonyltyrosylserylvalylasparaginylalanylthreonylasparaginylserylvalylglycylarginylalanylthreonylserylthreonylalanylglutamylleucylleucylvalylglutaminylglycylglutamylglutamylglutamylvalylprolylalanyllysyllysylthreonyllysylthreonylisoleucylvalylserylthreonylalanylglutaminylisoleucylserylglutamylserylarginylglutaminylthreonylarginylisoleucylglutamyllysyllysylisoleucylglutamylalanylhistidylphenylalanylaspartylalanylarginylserylisoleucylalanylthreonylvalylglutamylmethionylvalylisoleucylaspartylglycylalanylalanylglycylglutaminylglutaminylleucylprolylhistidyllysylthreonylprolylprolylarginylisoleucylprolylprolyllysylprolyllysylserylarginylserylprolylthreonylprolylprolylserylisoleucylalanylalanyllysylalanylglutaminylleucylalanylarginylglutaminylglutaminylserylprolylserylprolylisoleucylarginylhistidylserylprolylserylprolylvalylarginylhistidylvalylarginylalanylprolylthreonylprolylserylprolylvalylarginylserylvalylserylprolylalanylalanylarginylisoleucylserylthreonylserylprolylisoleucylarginylserylvalylarginylserylprolylleucylleucylmethionylarginyllysylthreonylglutaminylalanylserylthreonylvalylalanylthreonylglycylprolylglutamylvalylprolylprolylprolyltryptophyllysylglutaminylglutamylglycyltyrosylvalylalanylserylserylserylglutamylalanylglutamylmethionylarginylglutamylthreonylthreonylleucylthreonylthreonylserylthreonylglutaminylisoleucylarginylthreonylglutamylglutamylarginyltryptophylglutamylglycylarginyltyrosylglycylvalylglutaminylglutamylglutaminylvalylthreonylisoleucylserylglycylalanylalanylglycylalanylalanylalanylserylvalylserylalanylserylalanylseryltyrosylalanylalanylglutamylalanylvalylalanylthreonylglycylalanyllysylglutamylvalyllysylglutaminylaspartylalanylaspartyllysylserylalanylalanylvalylalanylthreonylvalylvalylalanylalanylvalylaspartylmethionylalanylarginylvalylarginylglutamylprolylvalylisoleucylserylalanylvalylglutamylglutaminylthreonylalanylglutaminylarginylthreonylthreonylthreonylthreonylalanylvalylhistidylisoleucylglutaminylprolylalanylglutaminylglutamylglutaminylvalylarginyllysylglutamylalanylglutamyllysylthreonylalanylvalylthreonyllysylvalylvalylvalylalanylalanylaspartyllysylalanyllysylglutamylglutaminylglutamylleucyllysylserylarginylthreonyllysylglutamylisoleucylisoleucylthreonylthreonyllysylglutaminylglutamylglutaminylmethionylhistidylvalylthreonylhistidylglutamylglutaminylisoleucylarginyllysylglutamylthreonylglutamyllysylthreonylphenylalanylvalylprolyllysylvalylvalylisoleucylserylalanylalanyllysylalanyllysylglutamylglutaminylglutamylthreonylarginylisoleucylserylglutamylglutamylisoleucylthreonyllysyllysylglutaminyllysylglutaminylvalylthreonylglutaminylglutamylalanylisoleucylmethionyllysylglutamylthreonylarginyllysylthreonylvalylvalylprolyllysylvalylisoleucylvalylalanylthreonylprolyllysylvalyllysylglutamylglutaminylaspartylleucylvalylserylarginylglycylarginylglutamylglycylisoleucylthreonylthreonyllysylarginylglutamylglutaminylvalylglutaminylisoleucylthreonylglutaminylglutamyllysylmethionylarginyllysylglutamylalanylglutamyllysylthreon

Do you know the teacher that went up in space? She had blew eyes. One blew this way and one blew that way.

Why do orphans want to be criminals? Because they want to feel what it’s like to be wanted.

What do you say to a depressed special kid?

“Why so down?”

Would you rather listen to Justin Bieber or die in the slowest and most painful way possible?

They're the same thing.

A collection of 911 jokes.

What kinda pizza did they order at 911?

Plane.

What was the color of 911?

Plane.

What is the fastest way to see 911?

Plane.

So, there's Fred and Frank. Now, they've been friends for years, but Fred, see, he's depressed. Badly.

Either way, so F+F are texting each other, and here's how it goes: (this is my first joke, so please don't judge too harshly)

Frank: Yo

Fred: Hi...

Frank: U heard about de competition?

Fred: Yeah...

Frank: You wanna hang out?

Fred: .......

Frank: What? I've got some noose (news) for you.

Fred: ...I(

Frank: Fine.... I guess we need to think of a plan, though. We don't wanna be hanging on the end.

Fred: *sigh* You know....you really can't rope me into this competition.

Thomas Montgomery would eat his fillet of fish in bed every night. He had fillet of fish bedding and everything. His roommates always asked him, "Why are you eating your fillet of fish in bed?" He wouldn't reply.

His family took him to the best psychologist in the field. Thomas continued emptying his bank account on fillet of fish to eat in bed. His friend said one day, took a picture of Thomas and told him to say cheese. They laughed and went there separate ways. Then in bed that night, Thomas kept on thinking to himself, "I never said cheese before someone snapped my picture." He repeated it again. The next day he thanked his friend, "Fillet in him feel better."

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.

"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"

Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.

He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.

He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"

They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"

An old man gets a call from the IRS.

The man on the phone says, “We’ve noticed large sums of money coming in and going out of your account constantly, and we gotta get this straight. Come in tomorrow and we’ll have a chat about this.” The old man thinks for a while and then decides he better get his lawyer to come with him.

The next day the old man and his lawyer show up to the IRS office, and the man there says, ”So we’ve noticed these large sums of money entering and leaving your account nonstop. Can you explain this?” The man replies, ”Well, I will bet on pretty much anything. Like this! I bet you 10,000 I can bite my own eye.” The agent takes the bet, and the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. He then says, ”Wait. I’ll give you a chance to earn your money back, and more! I bet you 20,000 I can bite my other eye.” The agent thinks a minute and realizing the man isn’t blind, takes the bet. The old man takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye. He then says, ”Alright, last chance. I bet you 50,000 I can stand on this side of your office and pee into that wastebasket on the opposite side without getting a drop anywhere in between.” The agent thinks real hard but decides it’s impossible, so takes the bet. The man unzips his pants and pees all over the IRS agent’s desk. The agent jumps up and down and says, “Haha! I got you now!” But the man's lawyer goes pale in the face, sinks his head in his hands, and says, “He bet me 100,000 on the way over here that he could piss all over your desk and you’d just love it!”